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Title: The optimistic Pessimist
Author: Venom_69
Category: Thoughts.
Angst.
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG- mention of sex.
Summary: You’re the oxymoron of all time: The Optimistic
Pessimist.
Spoilers: Solitudes, 100 Days, Anubis, Brief Candle
Season/sequel:
Archive: SJ, Heliopolis, my site.
Anywhere else, sure, just let me know where so I can come visit.
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, never will. Promise
to put them back in the state I found them.
Author’s notes: I wrote this because I wanted to, and it was much easier
that Die Alone, which was written on demand.
Feedback: Hell yeah! Don’t make me beg, hit reply and stroke my ego
please.
Dedication: LEW, I love you. DJ, I love you too, even if you torment me with Geocities.
Date: 15-11-03
Copyright
© to Venom, 2003
***
You’re not an optimist by nature.
Sure, when you comes up with some completely
insane plan to save their lives/Earth/the Universe/The Galaxy, you’ll show some sort of optimism. But that’s mainly
because you have pride in your work and some small amount of faith in your abilities to pull of some of the crazy shit that
you do.
And it is crazy.
Your whole damn life is.
Your work is crazy. Really, who needs to defy the laws
of physics just save someone’s life? Your personal life is crazy. Who needs to have an Alien ascended being haunting
them just so that they can say they’ve had a date in the last seven years? Your friends are crazy. One is an Alien,
the other died last year and the other…..well, you’re not even sure that you could even call him your friend.
You
don’t avoid spending time alone with Daniel and Teal'c, like you do with him. You don’t try to hide what you’re
feeling from Daniel and Teal’c. You don’t get a tingly feeling whenever Daniel or Teal’c touch you. And
really, considering that aside from a few kisses, the ‘tingly feeling’ is the most action you’ve had in
eight years, that just shows how sad your life actually is.
Yeah, not the optimist.
But today, you’re
feeling decidedly pessimistic. You’re not sure why, but the whole world looks black and you feels like you’re
stuck in some kind of slump that you’re never going to get out of. Your thoughts are tumultuous, your life has been
thrown into the washing machine and set on ‘spin cycle’ and you’re in love with a man that you can never
have. And despite the small optimistic part of you, you know that you’ll never have him.
Since you know that,
you wonder why it doesn’t stop the dreams you have about him. You wonder why it doesn’t stop your heart ‘fluttering’
every time he smiles at you, every time he touches you or makes a joke.
You’re pathetic, you know that. Yet,
for some reason, it doesn’t stop you from wanting him, it doesn’t make the word ‘sir’ hurt you any
less. And it doesn’t stop you from hating every woman that looks at him twice.
Laira. Kynthia. Anise. Fre’ya.
Makes you wonder why you don’t have a hit list, doesn’t it?
But no matter how much you hate these
women, you hate him even more for looking back. You want to shout at him, remind him who he ‘cares’ about. But
you don’t. You shut up, you sit still, and you remind yourself to call him ‘Sir’ without snarling the word
at him.
The latest female is no different.
She’s attractive, Daniel told you that much. She could make
a formidable warrior, were Teal’c’s words. And him? Well he hasn’t said anything to you. He hasn’t
tried to make you smile since he met her. And the touches? You’re not sure you even remember that feeling anymore, it’s
been that long.
Occasionally, you’ll wonder why he never told you about this new person in his life. You’d
like to think that maybe he was trying to spare your feelings. You doubt that thought, you think it’s more likely he
didn’t want to have to explain anything to you.
You’ve never met her and you probably never will. But you
know that if you went to his house and threw yourself at him, he wouldn’t even remember her name. But you won’t
do that, because you’re the good little major that “Yes Sir’s” and “No sir’s” like
there’s no tomorrow.
You’re the one that he asks to save the world, you’re the one that pretended
to be his ex-wife when he needed to hear her, you’re the one that saved his ass more times that he can count. You’re
the one that wouldn’t leave him when he ordered you to. You’re the one that loves him more than you’ve ever
loved anyone else.
And yet, he still goes home to her.
The traitor.
Maybe it’s just sex, you wonder.
You hope. But you know him better than that, he wouldn’t use a woman just for sex. It’s not in his nature. Which,
while it should make you feel better, the reality of the situation only serves to bring tears to your eyes.
The thought
of going to a bar, getting blind drunk and picking up a nameless man to screw until dawn appeals to you slightly. If only
so that you can rub it in his face. So that you can yell “See! I can move on too!” But that’s not in your
nature, and you’ve always said that you’ll never change for any man, regardless of how much you love him.
The
situation is really quite sad.
At the moment, you hate him more than you do Anubis, but you love him more than life
itself. You want to wrap your hands around his neck and strangle some sense into him, but on the other hand you want to grab
him and just kiss him senseless.
You hope that his relationship with this woman doesn’t last, that she’s
just a phase, a mid-life crisis. But at the same time, the more generous side of you hopes that he doesn’t leave her
simply because you want him for yourself.
You’re the oxymoron of all time: The Optimistic Pessimist.
But
whether or not this woman lasts isn’t up to you, and it’s not something that you can change. He’ll either
fall in love with her, or dump her like a sack of hot potatoes. Either way, you’ll still be there “Yes Sir’ing”
And “No Sir’ing” like there’s no tomorrow. You’ll still be there to save his ass. You’ll
still refuse to leave him.
But best, or perhaps worst of all, you’ll still be there to love him.
***
End
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