Title: Shopping
Category: Smutish, humor.
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: NC-17ish
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, never will. Promise to put them back in the state I found them. Song isn’t mine either.
Author’s notes: Ky’s been drinkin’ coffee again… that is all.
Dedication: As always, for LEW. For Lauren, ‘cause she asked. And for Jo, cause I love her.
Date: 11/02/05
Copyright © to Venom, 2005

***

"It may surprise you but I'm not a carthorse." He wasn’t whining.

Really.

He wasn’t.

Well, not much anyway.

But damnit, the woman had dragged him everywhere through the mall.

He’d been dragged into clothes shops, specific brand name stores, shoe shops. He wasn’t even going to mention the thrashing his manly reputation was taking as he stood there in ‘The Body Shop.’

She didn’t look up from her study of some funky smelling hair gel. “Of course you’re not.”

Well, at least they agreed on something. “So, really, I shouldn’t be carrying all of your bags around.”

His protests were ignored and a bottle was thrust almost halfway up his nose. “Smell this.”

He coughed. “Very orange-y.”

“The label says it’s made with orange extract.”

“How… nice.”

“Mmm… I think I’ll buy it.”

While she went to pay for the smelly stuff, Jack tried to get his nasal cavities working again. Damn, that was really strong. She wanted to put that in her hair? He picked up one of the bottles on the shelf and read the label.

‘Healthy moisturizer to revitalize your feet. Made with orange extract.’

Oh. Well at least it wasn’t going in her hair.

That was something, right?

“C’mon Jack!”

Sighing, he put the bottle back on the shelf and trudged after her. He really did hate shopping. Men in general hated shopping. He was a man, it was a genetic disorder.

Totally not his fault.

Couldn’t be helped, really.

You can’t fight nature.

Heh. You could if you were Sam Carter.

“Are we going home now?”

“Nope.”

He wasn’t whining.

Really.

Well, not much anyway.

“Oh-kay. Where, pray tell, are we going then?”

“Lingerie store.”

Hmm… it was classed as shopping, he supposed, but maybe he would get to see Sam trying on all sorts of lacey, silky… uh, things. He could probably survive this portion of their expedition unscathed.

Probably.

Following her (Which, really, wasn’t so bad. The view was great) as they made their through the throng of people crowding the mall on this particular Saturday morning, Jack exchanged sympathetic looks with a few other male shoppers.

Other men knew.

This was hell.

No, not hell. Worse.

Jack knew. He’d been there before.

“Do you want to save your manly pride and wait out here on that bench?”

Oh, suuuuuuure. *Now* she worries about his manly pride. Typical woman. “I’ve come this far, haven’t I?”

She patted his cheek. In a very ‘there, there dear’ fashion. It was very… reminiscent of his Grandmother, actually.

Creepy.

“You’re so brave.”

Surreptitiously rolling his eyes, Jack continued to follow her. He walked past some nice things, some scary things and some downright inhuman things. People actually *wore* that? And it was edible?

Ew.

Sam seemed to know what she was looking for, though. Which made this appear, Jack hoped, to be a short visit. He wasn’t sure that he could last very long surrounded by all of this… girly-ness.

Oblivious to his discomfort, Sam continued to head towards the back wall of the store where, apparently, what she wanted was. Jack’s eyes bulged.

She went straight for a sweet little g-string.

Black.

Lace.

See-through.

And it had a bra to match.

*Gulp.*

Oh she would look so good in that, so very, very good.

“What do you think?” And she held them up against her body and his mind did really, really wonderful things.

Really.

He could picture her, bent over the back of their (Such a sweet word) couch, begging for him to just fuck her hard and fast and right goddamn now. Breasts bouncing slightly, despite the thin fabric of the bra. He wouldn’t remove the g-string, just slip it out of the way enough for him to- “Uh… nice?”

She grinned. Evilly.

Hooking the hangers onto her pointer finger, Sam continued down the line and Jack’s eyes followed her movements, wide as saucers. Women couldn’t possibly *like* wearing this stuff.

Could they?

“What about this?” It was a teddy. That much he knew.

Red.

Silk.

Intensely low-cut.

Very short.

*Double gulp.*

Oh yeah. That could work too.

That was more a bed thing, he thought.

She’d be lying on her back, head cushioned against the pillows, legs spread. He would kiss her, run a trail between the long slit in the material to her navel. Swirl his tongue around the small hole like he knew she loved.

The silk would have ridden up, exposing her to his mouth. He’d work her over, teeth, tongue and lips all combined to make her squirm and scream.

He loved her clit, it was always so happy to see him. He’d use that to his advantage, pull the little nub into his mouth and nibble on it until she was crying out for God and every other deity she could think of.

“Not bad.”

That hanger was added to the lace set on her finger.

Sam didn’t appear to like anything else on offer, which was a shame, because some of it was nice. But Jack figured that if she was gonna wear it (hopefully for him) then she should at least like it.

He could see her hand move to pick something up from a display, but he couldn’t see what it was until she turned around and held it up with a raised eyebrow, silently seeking his opinion.

Fuckmedead.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, she was totally screwing with him. Totally.

It had to be some evil female conspiracy to fuck with his brain even more than she did on any given day. There was no way she could be serious.

No way in hell.

*Heart attack.*

He was having an epileptic fit. Going into anaphylactic shock. Half of his brain cells had just melted out onto the floor. The other half were waving little white flags in complete and utter surrender.

“We’re leaving.”

“What?”

“Now, Carter.”

“Why?”

“Because I am about three seconds away from dragging you into the change rooms.”

“Ok, we’re leaving.”

“Bring the leather collar with you.”

He was gonna have fuuuuuuuun tonight.

***

Ende.