Title: Awake & Dreaming
Author: Ky (venom69)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: Teens & Up
Summary: What if it none of it ever happened?
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: None… the shows ended!
Warnings: None, really.
Prompt Number for fic101: 3 - Awake
Author’s Notes: Song belongs to Sandi Thom. This is weird, consider yourself warned.
Disclaimer: Usual guff. Not mine, promise to put them back where I found them.
Date: 23/12/06

***

Sometimes it's better,
Sometimes it's worse,
Sometimes it heals,
Sometimes it hurts....
So hail to the morning,
Wherever it dawns down on me.
It's now that I get to thinking…

***

Kathryn forced her eyes open, certain that it was already morning.

She didn't like being awake at this - or any - hour these days. Sleep was just too precious a commodity, one that was quickly depleting in stock.

Her body protested, painfully, when it realized that she was, in fact, awake and movement was now required. Her mind would take a few more moments to kick in, but when it did, Kathryn knew that a headache would be forthcoming to greet her.

Lying still, she waited for the harsh voice of the computer to address Captain Janeway with the stern reminder that it was now 0530 hours and she must, at the very least, muster up enough energy to reset the alarm.

She waited, anticipating the voice and the headache but neither made their appearance.

My day off? Kathryn didn't recall being scheduled for a day off today - not that she ever took them anyway - and she suspected that it was far too early to call Chakotay to check.

"Computer, what time is it?" Her voice was hoarse and her throat dry as she spoke, but she waited for a response before attempting to clear her throat.

"The time is zero-five-forty-five hours."

What happened to my alarm?

A voice grumbled from beside her. "It's far too early for you to be asking such things."

Kathryn's eyes abandoned their protest to waking and shot open, her head whipping to her left to see the face of a man lying beside her. Her neck ached and her heart pounded.

It wasn't really until he smiled and his eyes opened that her brain finally understands what she was seeing.

"Mark?"

***

"Were you expecting anyone else?" He was amused.

His clear eyes danced with laughter as the morning sunlight flittered through the window to streak across his face. "Should I be worried, Kath?"

"Mark?"

"I'll ask again: who were you expecting?"

"Mark?" Her voice was little more than a shrill, Un-Captain like noise now.

"Kath? You OK?"

She had about three thousand questions - top of that list might be 'how much did I drink last night?' - but the first thing she could think of was that there was sunlight warming her skin and non-Starfleet sheets beneath her body and someone that didn't think of her as 'The Captain' was right there. "When did I get home?"

He yawned. "Last night, after the party."

"Where is everyone else?"

"At their homes, I imagine."

She'd believe that, but she knew that some of them - Chakotay! - didn't actually have homes anymore. "What about the Maquis? The Equinox crew? The Doctor? Seven? Icheb?"

The traces of humor dissipated from his eyes, to be replaced by wariness and concern. "What are you talking about?"

Kathryn forced her body into a sitting position, her back resting against the headboard as the blankets settled at her waist. "My crew, where are they?"

"Kath, are you hung over?" He pushed himself up, moving to sit facing her, his hand on her arm. "Do you want a hypospray?"

"What? No." She shook her head, trying to clear the fog. Focus. You're still the Captain until they're all safe. Never mind the fact that your in bed with your married ex-fiancé and, she wiggled a little, also, you appear to be naked from the waist down. Focus. "Mark, tell me what's going on."

"We went to the party and you, apparently, had too much champagne." He frowned disapprovingly. "Kath, you know you can't hold carbonated liquor very well."

Kathryn frowned. "I don't remember having anything to drink." She didn't actually remember anything resembling a party, either, but if they'd finally gotten home, she could only imagine what sort of blow-out that would be.

"Well, honey, I guess you'll just have to take it easy today until the alcohol wears off. I told you that they weren't serving synthonol last night."

Take it easy? She frowned. Honey? "Mark, why are we in bed together? Actually, where are we?"

"Kath? Why are you asking me that?"

She frowned again, uncomfortable. "Last I heard, you were married."

Mark chuckled a little. "And last I heard, you were still toeing the line on setting a date."

"What?"

He tapped her knuckle. "Our wedding?"

Kathryn looked at the ring - same ring, she remembered it - and her frown grew.

"Kathy, are you having second thoughts about us? Is that what this is about?" Mark took her hand.

Right now I'm having second thoughts about my name!

She tried to smile - she really did - but she had a feeling that it looked like more of a grimace than anything else. "I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling well. I might go take a shower." And try to figure out what the hell I've gotten myself into here.

"Want some company?"

She tried to smile again and, judging by the relief on his face, she may have actually managed to pull it off. "Later."

***

Kathryn tentatively followed the directions that she'd downloaded to her PADD.

The streets were bustling with people - apparently it was Christmas time, who knew? - all trying to get this and that to make their holidays the perfect one.

As far as she could figure out from the maps, Starfleet Headquarters was in virtually the same spot as she remembered, so finding that shouldn't have been a problem.

It was just that the house she'd woken in - apparently, that belonged to her - was in no part of town that she'd ever seen before and the transport stations were far too cluttered for her.

If I can cross the Delta Quadrant, I can follow a damn map!

She'd downloaded a copy of her own file, intent on finding out what was going on. She'd managed to smile convincingly at Mark and repeat a mantra of 'I'm fine, you were right, too much to drink' until he let her leave without making her promise to call him fifteen times throughout the day.

Finally making it out the door in civilian clothes - her uniforms weren't in the wardrobe and she assumed that her Quarters hadn't been packed up yet - she awkwardly kissed Mark's cheek goodbye before setting out in search of a familiar place.

And, hopefully, some familiar people.

***

Walking through the streets of San Francisco was surreal.

It was exactly as she had remembered it.

Exactly what she envisioned, all of those nights that she had lay in bed and wished for home.

The plethora of Christmas shoppers wasn't exactly appealing, but even the sight of other people - people she didn't know and feel responsible for - was cheering her spirits slightly.

Now if only she could figure out what was going on with Mark.

She'd slipped her engagement ring off once she'd left the house. Kathryn hadn't been comfortable wearing it when she was planning to marry him, there was no chance in hell she was going to wear it now.

Start from the beginning, she told herself firmly. Admiral Janeway was there. She had a plan. We put the plan into motion, started through the hub, made it about half way before the explosions started and then... I woke up in bed with Mark.

It wasn't helping.

There was a man with a coffee cart on the side of the road and Kathryn stopped and ordered herself the biggest cup of black coffee he had on offer.

Coffee will make everything better, she sighed to herself, taking a large sip as she placed her thumbprint on his portable PADD to pay before resuming her walk.

***

She frowned. "What do you mean I don't work here?"

The receptionist smiled kindly, doing her best to placate the irate woman in front of her. "I'm sorry Ms. Janeway, but your prints don't register in our database."

How could she not work here? Everyone in Starfleet 'worked' here as their base of operations. When they came back to Earth from any mission they were expected to check in to Headquarters first thing for debriefings.

She'd been gone for seven years, she'd be lucky if her debriefing didn't last the same length of time.

And how could she not be registered? Unless they'd updated their files again in the last seven years, in which case it was likely that she wouldn't be on the new system.

But still...

"You don't know who I am, do you?" Surely their return would have been one of the most publicized events of the decade? Admiral Janeway said that there had been fireworks as they'd flown passed the Golden Gate Bridge.

Bursting through a Borg sphere had to earn her some points, at the very least.

The receptionist was shaking her head again. "No ma'am I'm afraid I don't. I can check the general registry if you like?"

"Please do."

Resisting the urge to strangle the woman, Kathryn waited, drumming her fingernails on the countertop as the she scanned through the files of the general public.

Finally, she smiled triumphantly. "The Academy."

Huh? "Excuse me?"

The woman clearly thought she was nuts. "The file says that you work at Starfleet Academy. You're the science and technology teacher. Actually, I think you might have a class right about now..."

Kathryn shook her head emphatically. "I'm not a teacher."

"According to this, you are. I'm sorry ma'am, there's nothing else that I can tell you."

Kathryn ignored her and scrolled through the PADD she'd carried from 'home.'

Next to 'occupation' it did, indeed, confirm that she was a teacher at Starfleet Academy, five days a week, nine to five.

She sighed. Looks like I'm going back to the old stomping grounds, then. "I assume it's in the same place?"

"Same place as what?"

Argh! "Never mind."

***

She thought herself lucky that the Academy was still in the same place.

If she'd had to go traipsing through the city again, Kathryn thought it quite likely that she would have gotten lost. As it was she'd had to stop and ask for directions several times on the way to Headquarters.

When she made her way through the grand entrance of Starfleet Academy, several people smiled at her as she passed, nodding their greetings.

With little clue as to their identities, Kathryn smiled back.

Slipping into an empty chair in the lobby, she logged into one of their public computer terminals. There were a few young people - students? Hers? - around her that looked at her oddly as she sat, but Kathryn ignored them.

The central database told her where she could find the department lounge that, apparently, she had been having coffee at for the last ten years.

Rising again, she downloaded the directions and set off, continuing to nod at the strangers who seemed to recognize her.

I used to do this on Voyager, she thought with a grin. Back before we were a family, before I knew them all. I would go on my walks through the Ship and... Chakotay!

It might have been wishful thinking, but the stranger walking towards her certainly looked a lot like her First Officer.

Kathryn stopped and stared at him until her eyes and mind could confirm that he was Chakotay.

Not thinking, simply happy to see a familiar face that wouldn't confuse and annoy her, she bolted towards him, throwing her arms around his neck. Their height difference was painfully obvious - particularly since there had been no five inch heels in the closet - and her legs dangled off the ground. "Thank God!"

Tentative arms closed around her, keeping her from slipping.

"Hello there." His voice sounded like she had expected, but there was a hint of concern there.

Kathryn pulled back a little to look at him, studying the features that she had known for so long.

"Do I know you?"

She searched his face for something, any form of recognition, but all she could see was amusement and the touch of concern that she had heard in his voice. "I guess you don't."

He smiled gently. "Do I look like someone you know?"

Kathryn nodded as she disentangled herself from him, letting his hands lower her to the ground. "You do. Very much."

How could Chakotay - Chakotay - of all people not know her?

What the hell was going on today?

First waking up with Mark, who seemed to think that they were still engaged and she hadn't been lost for seven years. Then finding herself in that strange house that she supposedly owned. Then Starfleet, who didn't appear to think she existed. And now Chakotay, who had been her best friend for what seemed like forever, was looking at her like she belonged in the local Mental Institution.

"Do you need help finding your friend?"

Kathryn mentally shook herself. "What?"

"You're looking for someone?"

Over one hundred someone's, actually... "Yes, yes I am."

"Maybe I can help?" He shrugged. "I'm new here, helping you might give me a chance to learn the lay of the land."

She nodded, grateful for the company of a familiar face, even if he didn't know it. She held out her hand. "Kathryn Janeway."

He closed his hand over hers and shook it. "Chakotay."

"Are you a teacher?"

They both turned in the direction that Kathryn had been heading before she'd launched herself into a 'strangers' arms.

"I am. Tactics and anthropology."

"Odd combination."

He shrugged and tugged at his left ear. Kathryn thought she might cry at the sight.

"Variety is the spice of life."

***

They'd been walking through the halls for a good half an hour, making small talk, before Kathryn had finally worked up the courage to ask.

"What have you been doing for the last seven years?"

Chakotay smiled. "Very specific number."

She shrugged. "I like specifics."

He shook his head in amusement. "I worked on Deep Space Nine for a while, helping out in the school there. I've had various jobs, lived on a few different worlds. I only settled on Earth a few days ago. When this job offer came in, I jumped at the chance."

"Were you ever in Starfleet?"

He laughed aloud then. "Spirits, no."

"Why not?"

"I didn't feel the need. Space travel isn't my favorite thing in the world." He gestured to a bench and they sat, side by side. Chakotay glanced sideways at her and smiled mischievously. "So, what have you been doing in the last seven years then?"

Tears stung her eyes. "I really wish I knew."

"Hey," he touched her arm. "You OK?"

"Not really." Kathryn shook her head. "I'm having an unbelievably bad day."

"Want to talk about it?"

She huffed. "You'll think I'm crazy."

"You ran up to a stranger and hugged him." Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "If I didn't think you were crazy then, I certainly wont now."

Kathryn couldn't help but smile; he did have a point. "I woke up this morning and everything was different."

"Different how?"

"Where I am, who I am, what I do for a living, the people in my life, what I've been doing for the past seven years."

"There's that specific number again."

Smart man. "You were there."

"I was?"

She nodded, not looking at him. "We were on a lost Ship, trying to get home. Lots of odds against us but we did it. At least, I think we did. You were my best friend."

"That explains the hug."

She smiled. "Chakotay, I'm concerned about it."

"I can understand that."

"It's just that...” She sighed again. “I'd finally gotten used to my life and the way that things are meant to be. I'd finally made peace with how my life was and what I did for a living and all the rest of it and now... I feel like I have to start all over again. With a whole new set of rules to live by."

"Maybe you should go to the on-campus medical facility?"

As much as she hated Doctors and hospitals…

Kathryn finally turned to face him, finding it odd that she was shy next to her best friend. "Will you come with me?"

***

"You're trying to tell me I dreamt it?"

The EMH - who was apparently not and EMH - nodded. "Yes."

"Seven years of my life? Logs, away missions, First Contact's, thoughts, feelings, experiences, dramas, deaths, marriages, babies... you really think I dreamt it all?"

"There's no other explanation."

Oh, Kathryn could think of plenty.

Top of her list was some evil Delta Quadrant race that was getting a real kick out of screwing with her. "Pretty elaborate dream, don't you think, Doctor?"

He nodded, conceding her point. "I agree with you that it is unusual for a person to wake and have dreamt a whole consecutive seven years, even more unusual that they remember it in such detail, but I've run every test and scan on you that I can think of," didn't she know it! "And they all say the same thing - you're fine. There are no abnormalities in your body, your blood work or your brain. I’m not sure what else I can tell you."

“I’d almost hoped there’d be a medical explanation for this.”

“Would you like me to make one up?”

"The receptionist at Headquarters thought I was nuts." She replied absently, ignoring his sarcasm.

The EMH placed a sympathetic hand on her arm. "What do you think?"

"She might be right."

***

Chakotay was still sitting in the waiting room when she emerged.

He immediately rose to his feet as she approached. "Hey, you OK?"

"I'm not sure.” Kathryn shrugged and frowned. “The Doctor thinks it was all a dream."

"What do you think?" He asked, his hand moving to the small of her back to guide her out of the building.

“I think,” She sighed. “I think he might be right.”

“You seem disappointed.”

“My life was amazing. I was seeing things that no human had ever seen before, doing some of the most incredible things imaginable. I don’t want it to have been a dream.”

“What makes you think that this life wont be amazing too?”

She shrugged. “From what I’ve seen so far, it can’t compare.”

“Give it a chance, Kathryn. You never know.” Chakotay patted her hand as she slipped it into the crook of his arm and they continued walking through the grounds.

***

Kathryn sat cross legged on the large bed as she looked through the holoalbum.

Her eyes scanned the images.

Her mother, father, sister. Justin, Mark, Molly. Her family and friends. Various outings, holidays, school pictures, candid shots.

It was a visual timeline of her life.

And it was too good.

Her biggest problem, however, was not that everythign fit so well together, it was that she was actually starting to believe it.

What if is had all been a dream? A product of too much champagne, too little sleep - apparently she was spending every waking hour marking papers - and wishful thinking?

If they hadn't been hurled into the Delta Quadrant - if she hadn’t dreamt that they'd been hurled into the Delta Quadrant, she mentally corrected herself - then she would have married Mark. At some point.

She'd been putting off setting a date for years - in both her dream and this life, apparently - and Kathryn had, once or twice, thought that there may have been a deeper meaning behind that, one that went beyond "It's not the right time."

When she and Chakotay had been stuck on New Earth - in her dream, damnit - she had understood why she'd kept putting Mark off.

Mark wasn't ‘the one.’

As if reading her thoughts, she looked up to find him standing in the doorway watching her. “Hi honey.”

Kathryn unconsciously grimaced, uncomfortable with the endearment. “Hello.”

“Walking down memory lane?” He nodded to the album in her lap.

“Something like that.” She swallowed nervously. “Mark, can we talk?”

“Sounds serious.”

“It is.”

He sat on the bed across from her. “Shoot.”

“Something strange happened last night. And I don’t feel like I belong here now.” Kathryn launched into her explanation. She told him everything. From the Kazon to the experience with the Caretaker. Kes, Seven, Icheb, she even told him about New Earth and his new wife.

When she was done, Mark was sitting with his eyebrow raised, a blank expression on his face. “That’s some story, honey.”

“Story?”

“Well, it was just a dream.”

With the way that he said it, all Kathryn could think was that Chakotay hadn’t looked at her like Mark was right now.

“No,” She shook her head. “It wasn’t.”

***

Kathryn sat in her office, facing the computer on her desk.

There was a stack of essays that she had to mark for her noon science class, but her mind wouldn’t focus on them.

She knew the material - even if she didn’t really remember her life - and she could easily make it through the marking but her mind refused to focus.

There was something more important to do first.

Calling up the search parameters for the general database, Kathryn ran the first name through. When the information she wanted came up, she downloaded it to her personal files. Calling the second name, she repeated the motion.

And then the third, fourth, fifth…

She admitted that she was putting off searching for the senior staff, mostly because they were the ones that she’d been closest to throughout the ‘journey.’ She managed to download information about almost all of the crew - though the searches for the people not on Earth took a little longer - until she was left with a short list.

Kathryn took a deep breath and steeled herself. “Computer, run a search for Torres, B’Elanna.”

The computer beeped its acknowledgement and then a little hourglass replaced the Academy logo on her screen. Eventually, another beep sounded to signal that the search was complete.

And there it was.

Kathryn didn’t download the search results to her PADD, the word ‘deceased’ said it all. She scanned the details quickly - explosion, of all things - and began a search on Tom.

By the time there was a knock on her door, almost an hour later, tears were streaking down her face.

“Kathryn?”

She looked up and blinked. “Chakotay.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I…” A sob escaped from her. “They’re dead.”

Chakotay moved into the room, coming to stand behind her desk and kneel beside her, a hand on her arm. “Who is?”

“B’Elanna, Tom, Tuvok, Kes…”

“Were they part of the crew?”

His eyes were sympathetic and she might be completely nuts here but Kathryn couldn’t help a small sob of relief. She nodded in conformation. “The senior staff.”

“Oh, Kathryn…” Chakotay stood and pulled her up, bringing his arms around her.

“It was so real,” She sniffed. “and finding out that so many of them are dead… it’s just really hard to handle.”

His hands ran the length of her back comfortingly. “Come on, I’ll buy you a cup of a coffee.”

Kathryn pulled back from him and smiled. “I must really seem nuts to you.”

“Not at all.”

***

Kathryn forced her eyes open, certain that it was already morning.

She didn't have any real desire to be awake - there was a stack of PADD’s waiting for her and she was just too tired to deal with them, despite the fact that she had spent the last week at home, trying to remember her real life - but she had an early morning class and she’d promised the students that they’d discuss the possibility of taking a trip to Mars to study the chemical properties of the underground caves.

Her body protested, painfully, when it realized that she was, in fact, awake and movement was now required. Her mind would take a few more moments to kick in, but when it did, Kathryn knew that a headache would be forthcoming to greet her.

I have got to stop staying up half the night reading.

Lying still, she waited for the harsh voice of the computer to address her with the stern reminder that it was now 0730 hours and she must, at the very least, muster up enough energy to reset the alarm.

She waited, anticipating the voice and the headache.

"Computer, what time is it?" Her voice was hoarse and her throat dry as she spoke, but she waited for a response before attempting to clear her throat.

"The time is zero-six-forty-five hours."

Forty five minutes to go.

She could get up early, mark a few more papers, get ready to leave and call Chakotay to see if he was interested in getting a cup of coffee before their respective classes. Or, she could roll over and go back to sleep until her alarm goes off.

Kathryn smiled softly and pushed the covers off her legs.

***

End