Rivers of Babylon
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I know, I know, My mother always said that two bad!fics don't make a good!fic too, but, eh, I couldn't resist.

Please insert your tongues firmly in cheek before reading.

Title: Rivers of Babylon
Author: Venom69
Spoilers: Chimera. The one where Sam says yes….
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, never will. Promise to put them back in the state I found them. Song isn’t mine either.
Author’s notes: Inspired by the recent influx of bad smut fics in this fandom…not beta read, because the bad!fic to which I refer is also not beta read.
Dedication: As always, for LEW. For Jeannette Simpson, who mocked, which brought this about.
Date: 03/01/05
Copyright to Venom, 2003


I don't want anybody else
When I think about you I touch myself


Sam was horny.

No, she was more than that. She was super horny. A vibrator simply just wouldn’t cut it tonight. No, she needed something much bigger and better. She needed to be fucked. Hard, fast, rough, primal and NOW.

Pete was a complete pin dick, so he wouldn’t help, even if he did know what he was supposed to be doing with it. Why was she with him again?

Don’t worry, she doesn’t understand it any more than you do.

Shaking her head, she slipped on her robe and walked through the dark of her house, in search of relief. Spying her garage, brief thoughts of hooking her car batter up to her vibrator for an extra kicked entered her head. It could work, she mused. But she was so wet that she’d be too scared of getting electrocuted.

Snerk. Now that could be interesting; trying to explain to the General why she needed time off work. She imagined that it would go a little something along the lines of:

“Well, you see sir, I was really horny so I hooked the car battery up to my vibrator and electrocuted myself.”

“Did it cure your…problem, Colonel?”

“No sir.”

“Can you still have sex?”

“Doctors said it should be ok.”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

Hmm… maybe it might be a good idea to try.

Dismissing the thought as ludicrous, even for her, Sam continued her silent walk. She moved to the radio and flicked it on, but the sounds of the Divinyls really didn’t help her current state so she switched it off just as quickly.

The silk robe caressed her overheated flesh as the fabric moved with her body. Sighing, Sam reached between her legs to feel her damp thighs. Her bald pussy was leaking all over her legs and nothing she did would relieve the ache inside of her.

She needed a man.

Not Pin Dick Pete; a real man.

Pete was nothing more than a Prussian chique. She didn’t want him in her life anymore than she wanted him in her bed, but who was she to argue with The Power’s That Be Fucking Up Her Life?

Well, they may want her to marry an idiot, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t fuck someone else, does it?

Sam considered her options. She had seen all of the original male members of EssGeeWun with their pants down one day. They’d been comparing sizes, and she’d fetched them a ‘flexi-ruler’ for their measuring pleasure. While they hadn’t let her stay and help with the judging, she had seen enough to know that the General was by far the biggest.

More moisture dripped out of her at the thought.

She was like a leaky faucet today, and she needed something to be done about it now.

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door. Completely surprised - though I’ll bet the reader isn’t! - she moved to the door hurriedly. Unlocking the various locks and crap on her front door, she opened it to find the General standing there.

He was looking particularly good tonight; tight blue jeans, faded white shirt and the leather jacket that turned her brain to mush whenever she saw him in it.

Seeing him standing there, looking so deliciously fuckable make Sam’s mound drip even more. God, she just wanted to hump his leg like a dog.


“Hey Carter, you ok?”

No! She though, but kept that though to herself. Visions of him slamming her into the outside wall of her house flooded her mind. She was assaulted with images of him, big, hard and hot inside of her, easing the ache of her arousal. “Fine sir, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You didn’t answer your cell, we were worried.” She knew that when he said ‘we’ he meant ‘I’.

“Fine sir, just distracted.” He nodded slowly, hands moving to his jeans pockets. “Do you want to come in for coffee?” She asked, completely forgetting the fact that she was naked save for a thin robe.


He followed her inside, closing the door behind him.

Making her way to the kitchen, Sam concentrated on fixing him a cup of coffee. Comfortable silence encompassed them and neither felt the need to break it. They had always had that ability; they never needed words.

Picking up his mug, Sam placed it on the counter next to him, turning to get her own cup when she felt him grasp her hand and pull her to him. Much as she hated to admit it, Sam knew the she whimpered when her body pressed against his. “I can smell you.” He told her matter-of-factly. He could have been discussing the pile of paperwork on his desk for all the emotion in his voice.

“New soap.” She offered weakly.

“That’s not what I mean and we both know it.” He returned.

Swallowing roughly, Sam found herself at a loss for words. She didn’t doubt him, there was enough moisture there that he would have been able to smell her a mile away.

“Why didn’t you do something about it?” He asked conversationally, running one hand up and down the length of her body, his hand brushing the side of her breast.

Sam gasped. “I tried.”

“Didn’t work.” Jack guessed, not needing conformation as his hand slipped between her legs to stroke the saturated flesh he found.

God, she was so wet. No wonder he could smell her.

He manipulated her flesh with steady fingers, and Sam was shuddering and whimpering in his arms. When he inserted three fingers into her sopping pussy, she screamed, climaxing all over his hand in a flood of clear gooey liquid.

“I want you inside me now” She gasped. “Please Jack, fuck me hard.”

Removing his drenched fingers, Jack unzipped his jeans and slipped them off. Good thing he was going commando today, he thought as his extremely large (Did you expect anything less?) penis sprang free.

Sam felt another rush of wetness flood her thighs at the sight of him. Squealing happily, she dropped to her knees and immediately rammed his cock down her throat, wanting nothing more than for him to come down her throat.

Jack watched her for a moment, as she looked up at him with his cock still embedded deep in her throat. Her hands worked quickly to untie her robe and throw it somewhere behind her, while she continued to such him with everything she had.

He was going to come, and fast. The feel of her tight, wet mouth combined with the sight of Samantha Carter sucking him off was sending him to the edge. Quickly pulling out of her mouth, he shot his very impressive (Again, expect anything less?) amount of jism over her face and chest.

Sam just moaned at the feel of his seed hitting her sensitive body.

Not more than thirty seconds of labored breathing later, Jack was hard again, pulling her to her feet and pushing her back against the fridge. Lifting her up, Sam wrapped her legs around his waist as he pushed into her.

Ignoring the fact that his knees are supposedly screwed, Jack began to thrust into her at a rapid pace. It didn’t take long, they had, after all, waited eight years for this moment. Just a few thrusts and she was coming all over him as he emptied himself inside of her, both screaming.

They slid to the floor, both panting.

“I love you so much Jack. I just can’t live without you, especially now I know how great you are. I don’t care if The Powers That Be Fucking Up My Life want me to Marry Pin Dick Pete, I just want to be with you.” Sam sobbed, emotional after such an earth-shattering climax.

“You’re mine.” He told her, and that was it.

Pin Dick Pete was given the boot up the ass that he deserved in the beginning, (Do the Deluise’s get more money for nepotism?) Sam and Jack screwed the regs, Daniel and Teal’c weren’t mentioned unless it was in regards to their penis’ and everyone lived happily ever after.

Except the author, who is off to wash her mouth out with soap and gauge her eyes out.