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Title: Oprah
Author: Venom_69
Category: Romance, Humor
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: Let's say R to be on the safe side, shall we?
Summary: Oprah and cold water is a *Bad* combination.
Spoilers: Emancipation
Season/sequel: set in anytime.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will. Promise to put them back in the state I found them.
Author's notes: I decided to do something light for a change…..this is also another weird one.
Dedication: As always, for LEW. And for Oprah, because she seems to be my latest television addiction.
Date: 9-5-2003
Copyright to Venom, 2003


Samantha Carter was going to find the woman and kill her for this.
Kill her, slowly and painfully.

She was *so* blaming Oprah for this one.


If she hadn't started watching Oprah…..which Teal'c had convinced her
to do, then she wouldn't be in the…..situation that she was in now.

Come to think of it, maybe she should be blaming Teal'c.

Or, maybe it was the Colonel's fault.

No, it was definitely the Colonel's fault. When they were ready to
leave the Shavadi planet, and were on their way back to the Stargate,
he'd made a crack about canceling his Oprah interview, and Teal'c had
asked what an Oprah was, and that had started his obsession.

Sam had discovered it accidentally. She'd been innocently going to
see if he wanted to have lunch, when she'd found him engrossed in
Oprah's segment on teenage bullying. Which had prompted *loads* of
questions from him, so she'd watched the episode with him and
answered all of his questions. From there on in, it had become sort
of a ritual.

Which they had continued with ever since.

And, when Teal'c wasn't available to watch re-runs on cable with her
on the weekends, Sam had continued the tradition on her own. In the
beginning, it was only every now and then, but then she got more
engrossed in the episodes. On minute she was furthering Teal'c's
cultural experience of Earth, the next she was hooked. And when
Doctor Phil was introduced…..she was lost.

In her defense, Oprah was a very addictive woman.

Sam had seen segments on anything and everything. From September 11th
to female genital mutilation to great orgasms (Not that she'd ever
need that one in the near future, which was really quite sad.) and no
matter how many episodes she watched, Sam wanted to see more.

And then there had been the program about relaxing.

Oprah had a guest on her show and they had discussed the best way for
a woman to relax after a hard day's work. They'd talked about
steaming hot baths with lots of lavender scented candles, reading a
relaxing book. Their next suggestion was that you walk around naked
for a few minutes.

And, gullible, stupid Sam had tried it.

Which was where things went seriously, *seriously* wrong, and hence
the reason that she was in this…..situation now.

It had all been going so well too. She'd picked up a book (Sickening
Mill's and Boon crap that Cassie had brought her.) And ran a nice,
hot, steaming bubble bath, with lots of candles. Lavender *scented*
candle, guaranteed to be oh-so-relaxing.

Since she'd developed a mild insomnia problem (Incredibly wrong and
inappropriate, but very nice, erotic dream that just *would* *not* go
away being the cause.) she was up at four that morning, and didn't
have to be at the base until eight.


She could go into work feeling relaxed, happy, and sweet smelling.

Perfect, right?

Oh no.

You see, what Oprah and her ominous guest had neglected to mention
when they suggested the lavender candles, is that lavender makes you
tired, and insomniac's generally use it to get them to sleep.

If Sam had known that, she could have avoided this…..situation.

But, because she hadn't read the labels on the box of candles that
she'd brought the day before (who reads those anyway? Seriously, `Do
not leave candle burning unattended…..blah, blah, blah' that was just
*common* sense.) She'd had no idea that the candles would put her to

And, naturally, due to the serious lack of sleep that had been going
on during the previous days, she'd woken up at eleven. Late for work,
sleeping in freezing cold water, with wrinkly limbs, Samantha Carter
was anything but the promised `relaxed.'

Okay, she'd thought to herself, maybe this situation could be
salvaged. There was still the naked thing right? So, she'd got out of
the cold bath and was very, *very* thankful that the reverse cycle
air conditioner was still on, otherwise she would be freezing her,
ah…..nipples off.

Walking out of the bathroom, she figured that she could call work,
make up some excuse about an exploding appliance (She'd have to ring
the Colonel, and saying that she was asleep in the bath, naked,
probably wasn't a good idea) have enough time to have a coffee and
then head into the SGC.

Business as usual.



First off all, Sam was pretty sure that she'd run out of coffee the
previous morning and hadn't been able to pick any more up because she
got home late, again.

Second of all, there was someone (Possible something, especially with
the way her life was) in her house. And she was naked, and all of her
towels were in the lounge room, neatly folded and waiting to be put
away, which was at the other end of the house.


Oh god oh god oh god oh god.

It was *him*

His voice sounded worried.

And she was *naked*

Which was her current…..situation.

"Carter!" That was a high pitched squeal as he turned and saw her, in
all her glory, naked, doing a nice goldfish-out-of-water impression.

She was naked, but she couldn't move.

And she was getting cold.

With…..bits of her poking out.

He wasn't moving. Or blinking. Or breathing. If fact, Sam wasn't sure
if he was alive or not. Until he swallowed, and his Adam's apple
bobbed very noticeably.


Probably not the best thing she could have said. More to the point,
she should have been screaming and frantically searching for
something, *anything* to hide her very naked body from his eyes,
which kept looking her up and down.

He nodded, his eyes finally resting on her face. Naturally, not
before he had thoroughly checked her out. "Carter."

Where was the screaming and the hiding?

"What are you doing here?"

"You didn't show at work, and I was worried because you're never late
so I, ah, came here to check on you after you didn't answer any of
your phones or pager."


Screaming? Hiding?

*So* not happening.

She should be running, but her body had temporarily disconnected with
her brain and stopped listening to her commands and she was actually
moving closer and closer to him.

Which was bad, really bad.

*Seriously* bad.

The cold water, she was *so* blaming the cold water. It had obviously
affected her ability to think rationally, and since her body was so
cold that it was ignoring her brain, she had her defense. Damn cold

And Oprah, can't forget Oprah.

"So…..obviously you're fine, if not a little," His eyes connected
with her nipples and she shivered. Couldn't blame *that* one on the
water. Jack cleared his throat. "Cold. And I had better let you go
and get dressed and then you can…. come" He *really* had to stop with
the use of that word. "To work."


Jack sucked in a sharp breath. "No?" He repeated hoarsely, his voice
strangled as she inched closer to him.


Yeah, she was really going to let him finish that sentence. "Am going
to kiss me." She supplied, hopefully.

Damn, damn, damn, *damn* cold water!

Her brain was telling her not to do this, her heart knew how wrong
this was, and her body? (Which had, incidentally, just pressed
completely up against him and discovered that she wasn't the only one
with hard bits.) Was so *not* listening to her brain that it just
wasn't funny.

Jack had the whole argument planned in his head within thirty
seconds. All the `this is wrong, regulations, rank, respect' and all
of that crap that he was going to spout at her. Somehow, all of the
blood and, consequently, rational thinking he had, what little of it
anyway, had headed way, *way* south of his mouth and brain.

So, he tried again to say no, and *damn* but it was hard. Bad
pun. "Carter…I really don't think that this is such a good idea."

Her defense; a combination of Oprah and cold water, it would stand up
in any court, or against General Hammond. Which is what she told
herself as she reached up and kissed him. Jack didn't respond at
first, still caught up in the very logical argument against this that
he had planned.

And suddenly, he was doing a *whole* lot more than kissing her.

She was *so* thanking Oprah for this one.



"We could never tell them where the drugs came from." -Sam
"Damn, I guess I'll have to cancel my Oprah interview." -Jack
"What is an Oprah?" –Teal'c