Category: H/C, C/D. Angst.
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: G
Summary: She had to find out sooner or later.
Spoilers: Heroes.
Season/sequel: Set during Heroes.
Archive: SJ, Heliopolis, my site. Anywhere else, sure, just let me know where so I can come visit.
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, never will. Promise to put them back in the state I found them.
Author’s notes: None.
Feedback: Please.
Dedication: As always, for LEW.
Date: 28-02-2004
Copyright © to Venom, 2003

***

You burnt your bottom lip on a cigarette today, smoking behind the sports shed at school with Jenny. She finds your inexperience amusing, but you don't. The burn hurts, but nothing your can't handle.

"Don't you just love the taste?" She will say, taking a long draw. You don't, you think the taste of the burning tobacco will make you gag, but you nod anyway. Have to fit in, after all.

You've been doing that for almost seven years, trying to 'fit in.' Trying not to screw the story up. Seven years ago you didn't know what scissors were, and you remember Dominique teasing you and asking you why didn't they teach you that sort of thing in Canada. He always used to tease you when you didn't know something simple. But after you let him stick his tongue down your throat the teasing stopped.

You aren't stupid enough not to know why.

Jenny nudges the cigarette at you again and you take it, sucking back the vile taste with a little less gusto than your first try. The smell is putrid, and you hope that Mom won't smell it. With a doctor for a mother, you're surprised that all of the lectures haven't worked better than this. The cardiomyopathy littered lung pictures were the worst, and you can imagine the tar you're sucking into your body doing the same damage to your lungs.

It doesn't stop you taking another draw before handing the smoke back to Jenny.

"I'd better get going." You say, picking your bag up from the ground.

"Gotta get home before the ogre?"

"She's not that bad," You protest weakly, "We're just fighting a lot."

Jenny nods understandingly. Teenager language, you muse. "Yeah, my olds are pretty sweet when they aren't being dicks." You nod, staying silent to avoid the conversation that you know Jenny will start. Apparently, your silence isn't enough to deter her. "So you thinkin' of moving in with Dom?"

"No." You reply, just like you always do. Jenny is a little too interested in your relationship with him, and you wonder if she wants him for herself. It's trivial, you know, but isn't that the sort of shit 17 year old girls are supposed to worry about?

"Hey, isn't that your ma's friend?" Jenny asks, pointing to the silver Volvo parked in the street. You briefly consider turning the other way and ignoring the woman sitting in her car, but you notices Sam's features and you *know* something is wrong.

Jenny calls out to you as you run towards the car, but you ignore her indignant cries. You're panting when you reach the driver's side window, and you think the cigarette has really gone to you head. You wonder if Sam can smell-

"You've been smoking." It's not a question, and you feel guilty at the sadness in her voice. She's disappointed in you. She sounds so sad.

"Yes." You can't lie to Sam, you never could.

She nods twice and sighs.

"I'm sorry." You say, eyes lowered.

"Get in." It's an order. She's good at that.

"I'm supposed to go straight home.....grounded again." You reply. "Mom will kill me."

"Get in." She repeats, and there's an urgency in her voice this time that makes you listen.

After you jog around to the passenger side and slide in the set, you notice the tense setting of Sam's face. "What's wrong?" You ask as she pulls out of her spot and heads towards her house.

"Bad mission." Is all she offers, and you don't press for any more information until you're sitting at Sam's breakfast bar, nursing a glass of juice while she makes coffee.

"Sam, what's going on? Is Mom working late again? She usually just calls to let me know....."

"Cassie."

She only had to say one word, and you know what it means. You feel the sound of your name clutch at your chest and wrench your heart. You understand why Sam's eyes are so sad, and you imagine that yours look much the same.

"How?" You ask quietly.

"She was trying to save a man's life. Off world. There was an attack, and she got hit. There's was nothing that we could do."

"Did he live?"

"Who?"

"The man she was trying to save. Did he live?" It's important to you that she didn't die for nothing.

"Yes. He made it back to Earth in time to see the birth of his first child."

"Good." You don't know what else to say.

"I know this must be a shock....."

"Yeah." You agree, tapping your fingers nervously on the side of the glass.

"I know how you feel....."

"Do you?" You ask sadly, but you can't help the bitterness that starts to creep into your voice. Why does it hurt so much?

Sam reaches across to grasp your hand, and even though it makes you uncomfortable you don't pull away. You have a feeling that the contact is more for her than you. "Cassie, I lost my mother when I was 14. I know how you feel."

You didn't know that, but you don't say anything.

"There's a memorial at the base tomorrow.....I thought you might like to come."

"Sure."

"Cass.....I know you don't think so at the moment, but everything will be ok." Sam fingers the necklace around her neck self-consciously as you watch and say nothing. "I'm sorry I'm not good with this."

"You did fine." You reassure her and she rewards you with a smile.

You eventually migrate to the lounge room and Sam puts a DVD on, even though neither of you are watching it. You don't even know what it is you're not watching.

"Was it painless?" The movie is almost over when you finally speak.

"She died on impact Cass. I doubt she even felt a thing."

It's good to know, but it doesn't make it any easier. All you can think about is how the Goa'uld always seem to screw up your life. Kill the ones you love. Whole planets.

When the movie finally ends, you both go to bed but you don't sleep. And you imagine that Sam doesn't either.

***

You're sitting in the briefing room, by your own choice, you couldn't handle it down there, listening to the eulogies being read via intercom. Sam is speaking, reading out a list of the names of people that she saved. You're on that list, about two thirds of the way down.

You watch Sam as she speaks and you see her eyes flicker to you as she reads your name. She takes a sharp breath before continuing, the sorrow in her eyes deepening. She's taking this hard, you know.

And you?

Well, you're not dealing with it. You haven't cried yet, haven't even felt tears prick at your eyes. It almost feels like you've betrayed her by not crying, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. It will happen eventually, you know, but for now you're content with the depression that's slowly setting in.

Sam's speech is finished, a wreath is sent through the Stargate to the plant where......it happened and Sam is given a folded American flag that you know she'll give to you later.

And then it's over.

The memorial service is done, and you're in Jack's car, on the way back to his house for the wake. Sam's in the front seat, next to him and the radio is playing softly in the background but none of you are speaking. The flag is still clutched in Sam's hands, and Jack's knuckles are turning white from gripping the steering wheel just a little too tight.

Teal'c is the first to approach you at the wake. You've been sitting in the kitchen, drinking the beer that Jack gave you in silence, for almost half an hour. You don't really like beer, you muse. Must be something you picked up from Daniel.

"She was a great warrior. Never before have I met such a woman." He tells you.

"Can't argue with that." You answer. You're not feeling sadness anymore, nor anger. You've reached sarcasm and cynicism isn't far behind.

Teal'c cocks his head as you sip the beer. "I had believed that it was not legal for you to consume alcohol?"

"It's not."

"I see."

He leaves shortly after that; neither of you have anything to say to each other at the moment. Normally, you two can sit and talk for hours, but this situation isn't normal. You've lost your mother.

Again.

Daniel is next to visit, claiming to be in need of another beer. "You don't like it any more than I do." You accuse and he smiles.

"That's true."

"Yes."

"What?"

"In answer to your question, yes."

He grins impishly, knowing that he's been caught. "How'd you know what I was going to ask?"

"What else can someone ask me but 'are you ok'?" You shrug and finish off the last of the foul beer.

"Want another?" He offers.

"Sure."

You take the beer he gives you and head off in search of a bathroom. The main one is in use, so you weed your way through the throng of people and slip into Jack's room, heading to the ensuite.

After taking care of business, you stare at your reflection for a long time, studying the features of the stranger that stares back at you. It's odd, but you look like her. She may not have been your biological mother, but you've certainly developed into a sweet little replica.

Closing your eyes you turn from the mirror. For now, the reflective surface will only serve to remind you of what you've lost. Who you've lost.

You open the door and see Sam and Jack standing by the bed in the center of the room. They haven't seen you, so you slip back from the door a little, hoping to avoid anymore sympathetic faces for a while.

You watched as Jack reaches out a hand to touch Sam on the cheek, and you see her lean into his touch. "You ok?"

Sam's voice is trembling as she replies. "It's so hard."

"I know." Jack sighs and you finally realize how much he really does know. He understands. "How's Cassie doing?"

"I think she's handling it.....I don't know. She hasn't really spoken to me. I don't even think she knows that I'm her legal guardian now." You did know, but you weren't certain. "I just don't know if I'm what she needs right now. I don't know what she needs." Neither do you, and you make a mental note to talk to Sam later.

Jack doesn't say anything, he just pulls her to him and you watch as her shoulders shake with tears. You feel them pricking at your own eyes as you stare, watching as they change position to bring their lips together.

Their kiss ends naturally and they smile softly at each other as Jack wipes the tears from her cheeks. You feel moisture slipping down your own as you open the door and step from the bathroom. Sam sees you first, stepping toward you to embrace you as you both grieved for a lost friend and mother.

After a few seconds you feel Jack's arms go around you both and you think that maybe you'll be ok.

And is it your imagination, or did a breeze just flow through the room?

***

Fin.