Kathryn's Impulse

Title: Kathryn’s Impulse
Author: Venom_69
Category: Thoughts, angst
Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Rating: PG
Archive: anywhere.
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, never will. Promise to put them back in the state I found them.
Feedback: Please.
Dedication: As always, for LEW. For

divinejoker, and all of her support. For The great and only

saramund, who is ALWAYS first choice. And To

shayenne, for being so kind.
Date: 27-4-04
Copyright © to Venom, 2003

=/\=

You almost want to scream as you slip each article of clothing on.

It’s a strange feeling you have. Feeling Kathryn slip away to be replaced with Captain Janeway as each layer is placed on your body.

As you slip the sock onto your left foot, you feel Kathryn’s passion for gardening to be dimmed slightly, replaced with Captain Janeway’s passion for getting your crew home.

The right sock is slipped on and you feel your laughter being pushed aside to be replaced with the strong, confident Captain’s mask that you wear each day. Starfleet don’t pay you to giggle your way through your job. The crew doesn’t entrust their lives to their Captain so that she can laugh at everything.

Your tank top is next. And behind it disappears the woman who would do anything for a bath. She is substituted with a stoic Captain that hides her needs at all times possible. Her crew has needs, and she has to be concerned with them when she is on duty.

Shaking hands slip into the arms of your turtleneck next. The gray-blue material hides the visual signs of Kathryn. Her femininity is covered with a scratchy material that four little pips clip onto.

Without those pips, Kathryn is still a woman, she still has a say in what happens, her voice is still heard. But as each small circular clip is attached, Kathryn fades behind Captain Janeway a little more.

The red and black uniform is next, beginning with the pants. They are pulled up and fasten to hide Kathryn, the woman that longs to have a child. Captain Janeway, who smiles and says congratulations every time a baby is born on her ship, supercedes Kathryn, who has an ache in her heart for a baby of her own. The Captain is the ‘mother’ of her crew, the ‘grandmother’ of the children born. Kathryn is the woman that cries for she is not the mother.

Lastly comes the top. It covers Kathryn’s love. Love for life, love for her family, her crew, him. He who stands not ten feet from you. So near, yet so far. That loved is hidden behind the composed Captain that walks confidently onto the Bridge every morning.

You take one last look around the area. You say goodbye to the tree that shaded your bath. Say goodbye to the grass on which your home stood. Say goodbye to the monkey that’s hiding behind some bushes.

You almost feel like you’re saying goodbye to Kathryn.

Because you know that she won’t be allowed out to play as much on Voyager. Kathryn will be forced to once again hide behind the Captain. And her feelings will be hidden as well.

It’s a hard admission, but you’re not sure if you know where Kathryn ends and Captain Janeway begins. You’re beginning to wonder if they are two separate entities co-existing in the one body. But you do know one thing for sure, you know that both Kathryn and Captain Janeway love him. Even if neither of them can admit it.

You stand next to him, with all of your collective belongings surrounding you. Tuvok asks if you’re ready. Without conscious thought your eyes slip to your right to meet his powerful gaze. No, Kathryn wants to scream, I’m not ready! I want to stay here, with you!

But Captain Janeway overrules that impulse.

“Energize.”

=/\=

Fin.