Title: Status Quo
Author: Ky (venom69) and Amanda (amandal557)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: ADULT
Summary: Post Workforce. Sometimes your heart knows before your head.
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: None… the show’s ended!
Warnings: Adult themes.
Author’s Notes: Song belongs to Shania Twain
Disclaimer: Usual guff. Not mine, promise to put them back where I found them.
Date: 14/4/08

***

Deep in denial-ville

Trying to fight the way I feel

I go jell-o when you smile

I start blushing, my head rushing

***

Her heart was pounding in her chest. This certainly wasn’t what she was expecting. A bead of sweat rolled down from her brow and she reached up to wipe it away. His breath was coming as rapidly as hers was. She fought the urge to look over at him when she felt him stir.

“That was… unexpected,” Kathryn said, struggling to catch her breath.

“Really?” Chakotay snorted, also short of air, “You hadn’t considered we might end up here? Not once in six years?”

Kathryn was certain that no answer she could provide would be the right one. She opened her mouth to speak, but floundered. “I didn’t think we’d end up here, now,” she finally said.

“At least I know you’d considered this at least once,” he replied.

“More than once,” she muttered.

“I’d be a liar if I told you I was surprised by that.”

She finally turned her head and looked over at him. The gravity of their situation - the gravity of what they’d done - was finally sinking in over her orgasm-induced haze. She resisted the urge to reach over and either touch him or hit him, she wasn’t sure which.

“What do we do now, then?” She finally asked.

Chakotay paused, clearly considering more than one response, before he finally settled on, “I don’t know.”

They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence, then, neither willing to say what was really on their mind.

Though, Kathryn wasn’t entirely certain that she knew what was on her mind, let alone having a way to articulate that. She sighed again, biting her bottom lip.

“Jaffen decided to stay with us for a while.” She told him, ignoring the fact that her words were flowing slightly faster than normal, as though she were trying to get this over and done with quickly. Not that she had any reason to feel that way. Did she? Ignoring the knot of doubt she felt in her belly, Kathryn continued on, “For a few weeks. He requested that we take him to a planet in the next sector. I gave him permission to come aboard right before we… uh… well.” She flushed, not quite sure what to call it.

Chakotay was silent for a moment, before he responded quietly, “I see.”

His quiet words didn’t tell her anything and Kathryn couldn’t bring herself to look in his eyes to find a meaning. Not yet. She feared that eye contact would push her into a sea of memory that covered only the last twenty minutes. “How do you feel about that?”

“You have no right to ask me how I feel.” Chakotay snapped, his voice harder than before, more force behind the words.

He was out of bed and searching for his pants before she thought to apologise.

***

Chakotay let go of her hipbones and Kathryn felt her lower body plummet to the mattress, her limbs like jelly without his support.

The apex of her thighs still tingling from the rough force of their coupling, Kathryn panted into the pillow until she was able to catch a full breath and roll to her back. Next to her, Chakotay lay in a similar jelly-like state.

“That was…”

“Don’t say ‘unexpected’.” He interjected.

Kathryn nodded, still trying to catch her breath. She closed her eyes as she panted and she could feel her breasts move as she did so. Briefly, she wondered if he was looking, but cursed herself for the moment of vanity.

“I thought we agreed not to do this again?” She finally asked, keeping her eyes closed so she didn’t have to look at him while they did this.

“I don’t recall us actually having a discussion.”

“No, you just left,” She said it without sarcasm or accusation, merely a fact.

Two days ago he had rolled out of her bed, found his clothes and left without a word.

The first time they’d slept together - hell, the first time they’d kissed - and it had ended like that. Kathryn hadn’t been certain if it was Jaffen or her or something else or simply the fact that they had jumped into bed together - quite literally - without considering what the consequences would be.

She still wasn’t sure why he had left; all she really knew was that he’d come back.

He’d walked into her quarters under the guise of delivering a status report on the crew’s progress in regaining their memories and promptly pushed her backwards until she was on the bed and he was on top of her, his tongue in her mouth.

“What did you want me to do, Kathryn? Pick a fight with you? Get angry?”

“I wanted you to be honest.”

“Honest? About what? You want honesty about my feelings concerning the fact that you invited your boyfriend along for the ride? While sleeping with me? How am I supposed to feel?”

There was so much confusion and hurt in his voice that, for a moment, Kathryn was truly sorry she’d extended the invitation to Jaffen. But that feeling passed in a burst of anger and pride.

“Are you mad at me for what I did on that planet?” She asked, incredulous. “I didn’t even know who you were!”

“I’m not angry at you about that, Kathryn.” He told her quietly. “I’m angry that you jumped into bed with me right after inviting him along for a ride.”

Kathryn didn’t say anything when he rolled out of bed again and collected his clothes.

If she were in his shoes, she imagined that she’d be making a desperate search for her underwear, too.

***

When his hands couldn’t hold her up anymore and her legs wouldn’t support her, they both slid to the ground.

Kathryn blew out a long breath, trying to find a stable rhythm again. Chakotay was watching her, she knew, and she was taking inventory of him, too, through her eyelashes.

It should have been ridiculous; First officer still in full uniform, his flaccid and sticky cock lying limply on the fabric of his pants. Captain, the complete opposite; completely naked, save for the towel that had, somehow, survived the pounding it - and she - had taken against the wall of her bedroom.

Somehow, though, it wasn’t ridiculous.

It was stupidly erotic and Kathryn felt her breath catch as she considered what they must have looked like a few moments ago.

“Let me guess,” Chakotay started, his voice full of resignation, “That was unexpected.”

“Given that I comm’d you and asked you to come here, I think I may have seen it coming.” She replied seriously.

“Point taken.”

“But, since you started it, what do we do now?”

They had yet to successfully have this discussion, but Kathryn knew that continuing to put it off would only hurt them both in the long run.

He was her best friend, there was no denying that. She couldn’t honestly imagine how she would have survived without him for the last six years. She had Tuvok, certainly, but her friendship with the Vulcan was much different than her friendship with Chakotay. She knew that part of what made it different was the spark of attraction she felt with Chakotay, but she knew that, because of that spark, their connection was much deeper.

Kathryn knew that a lot of what had held her back from pursuing a relationship with Chakotay - aside from the part about it being against the rules - was simple fear.

She was afraid of losing him to the point where he wouldn’t want to look at her, much less work with her. Not to mention the fact that her track record with relationships kinda… well, if she were to be completely honest, it sucked. She also had over a hundred people to consider before she thought about herself and her own happiness.

At the end of the day, she was left in limbo; afraid to move, afraid not to move.

The fact that they were sleeping together with an increasing regularity - only a day between ‘encounters’, this time - was only complicating the matter further.

“I still don’t have an answer, Kathryn.”

“Neither do I.”

“So, what? We have this discussion that’s not really a discussion again?”

“I guess so.”

“You’ll forgive my lack of enthusiasm.”

“Chakotay, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

She opened her mouth to give him an answer - and so, so many answers came to mind - before she sighed and shrugged, watching him tuck his flaccid penis back into his pants. “Everything.”

When the doors closed behind him, Kathryn felt a tear leak out of her eye.

***

Kathryn rolled off his thighs, her own legs weak and trembling. The orgasm was barely fading from her body when she heard him speak.

“I saw Jaffen in the mess hall today. With you.”

“I had lunch with him.” She agreed, her flesh tingly, sweat cooling on her overheated body.

“Were you going to tell me?”

“You were in Engineering for half of the morning.”

“I’m not talking semantics.”

She sighed. “Yes, I would have told you.”

“Before or after the booty call?”

“The what?”

“Never mind.” Chakotay shook his head.

“He’s leaving soon.” Kathryn reminded him quietly.

“Not for another week and a half as I recall.”

“Why is it important?”

Chakotay shrugged one shoulder, keeping his eyes firmly on the ceiling. “Does he know that we’re sleeping together?”

“No,” Kathryn replied, “No one does.”

“I see.”

“Well, who am I supposed to tell? Would you like a ship-wide announcement? Should I paint it on the Nacelles for any passers-by to see?”

“No, Kathryn.” He rolled his eyes. “Why should I expect you to tell Jaffen when you won’t even admit it to yourself?”

“Admit what?”

“That we’re in a relationship.”

The denial rose automatically, before she caught herself and paused. They couldn’t possibly be in a relationship; they’d certainly never talked about that before.

But, on the other side of the coin, they did spend most of their free time together. They ate their meals together, took shore leave together, attended crew functions together. Kathryn hadn’t missed the fact that, if someone were looking for either of them and a comm. call went unanswered, they immediately called the other and that had very little to do with the chain of command.

They laughed together, cried together, supported each other when times were tough and celebrated when things ran smoothly.

The only thing they hadn’t had in their lives together was sex - and that was a moot point, now.

For all intents and purposes, they were in a relationship and the thought made Kathryn frown. How had she missed that?

“I suppose you’re right.”

“I’ve been right on that front for years, Kathryn.” He sighed, reaching for his pants. At least he’d kept them close to ‘his’ side of the bed this time. “When you come to the same conclusion, let me know.”

***

As the shards of white-hot pleasure faded from her vision, Kathryn un-wound her legs from Chakotay’s hips and let them dangle off the edge of the dining table carelessly.

She suspected that she’d never be able to eat dinner on that table again but, damnit, it had been worth it.

“Wow.”

Chakotay didn’t appear convinced that he was still alive. “Yeah.”

“That was…”

“Unexpected?” He teased.

“Good.” She countered with a smile on her face, determined to keep the mood light.

“Yes, it certainly was.”

After Chakotay bent to retrieve his pants and pull them back on, he helped Kathryn down from the table, his hands cupping her hips, thumbs absently caressing her through the silk of her nightgown.

His hands on her like that felt good. A little too good, if she was honest with herself.

He must have read the look on her face because he sighed before he stepped back from her. “I wish it could be like this all the time, you know.”

“I know.” Kathryn waited until she watched him leave and heard the doors close behind him before she added to the empty room, “Me, too.”

***

Kathryn sighed as he slipped out of her.

She hadn’t come, she hadn’t expected too, but that wasn’t what had mattered. She was too wound up, too tense, nowhere near relaxed enough but, even so, the closeness had been exactly what she’d wanted. It was exactly what she’d been looking for when she’d called him and asked him to come over.

“So…” He started.

Kathryn kept her eyes closed.

She knew without doubt how much this conversation would hurt and she knew that she’d hate herself for doing this and hate him for making her feel this way and the end result would be coffee ice cream and tears she wouldn’t admit to in the light of day.

“I’m sick of doing this, Kathryn.”

She had a sick feeling in her stomach. “Doing what?”

“Taking one step forward and three steps back with us.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying you’re sorry, damnit!” He snapped.

“What else do I say to that other than ‘I’m sorry’?” She offered, the slight attempt at levity failing miserably. “Is this about Jaffen?”

She knew that bringing up Jaffen’s name would only hurt Chakotay, especially since the other man would be leaving in less than a week and they would be forced to deal with each other without the distraction of a third party.

“It’s not about Jaffen, Kathryn, it’s about us.” He sighed. “It’s about the fact that we seem to go through a cycle of sleeping together, having some kind of hurtful discussion, find a way to resume the status quo and be friends again, before we start back at the beginning.”

“What else do we do?”

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “But I suspect that the reason we’re not really talking about this is because we’re trying not to hurt each other.”

That was true. “Yes.”

“Then here it is in a nutshell; I’m in love with you.” He didn’t even pause before he nodded, as if to himself, and stood. “Now you figure out what you want to do next.”

This time, Kathryn didn’t even hear him leave.

***

Kathryn tapped her comm. badge. “Janeway to Chakotay.”

“Chakotay here.”

“Can I see you for a moment, please?”

There was a long pause and she knew exactly what he was thinking. She hadn’t been alone with him since his rather blunt declaration almost a week prior. She had spent most of her time in her Ready Room or helping with the last few repairs that they were making on-the-go.

Though she knew that she’d been avoiding Chakotay, she’d also been avoiding Jaffen. Kathryn knew that the rumour mill had been working in overdrive lately - Thank you, Tom Paris - and some of it had been good, some bad, but she didn’t want to add any more kindling to any of the fires burning.

Chakotay’s voice made her snap back to reality.

“I’m on my way.”

Closing the link, Kathryn smiled as she sat down on the couch and looked out at the stars, watching as the planet they’d just left Jaffen on retreated from view.

Despite the fact that she knew how it had made Chakotay feel, having Jaffen around hadn’t affected her at all like she’d expected.

While on Quarra, she’d grown close - very close - to Jaffen, but it hadn’t had any chance at rivalling what she’d shared with Chakotay for the last six years… and the last two weeks.

Though they had, without doubt, been the most emotionally charged few weeks of her life - save for after her Father and Justin’s death - they had also been, in their own way, some of the most enjoyable.

Sex with Chakotay had come with benefits that went beyond an orgasm; apparently the crew had noticed that she’d been happier lately and even the Doctor had been impressed with her hormone and endorphin levels when she’d seen him for a mild headache which had stopped in frequency and intensity, too.

Not only that, but the human contact had reminded her how much she’d missed having a warm body near her. How much the tactile woman inside of her had craved that kind of attention for years.

Benefits aside, though, the way she had been acting hadn’t been fair to Chakotay.

It had been Jaffen, of all people, that had told her to find happiness, to cherish it, protect it.

His words had pointed out with startling clarity that the way she had been acting - only letting Chakotay have ‘half’ of her - had been horrendously unfair. She wasn’t prepared to make him sad anymore, not over her.

When the door chimed, Kathryn called for entry.

Chakotay stepped over the threshold tentatively, obviously expecting that this was another booty call - she’d looked the meaning up in the database - or that she intended to “break up” with him.

“You wanted to see me?” He asked, standing in a deceptively causal parade rest.

Kathryn didn’t say anything as she rose and walked to stand in front of him. She smiled reassuringly, but he didn’t say anything, so she took a deep breath and continued with her plans.

Carefully, she pulled his jacket off, before she did the same to herself. Her hands lingered on his chest, running over the sculpted muscles she could feel rippling underneath. In fairness, she cupped her own breasts - and watched his pupils dilate - as she removed hers.

Their turtlenecks were next. He moved his arms to help her remove the garment, but didn’t do anything else. Chakotay wasn’t a fan of the undershirts, so when the turtleneck came off, Kathryn was presented with a wide expanse of golden flesh that was begging to be touched. Soon.

She pulled her turtleneck and tank off together. Quickly unsnapping her bra, she let that join the tousled pile of clothes growing at their feet. Toeing off her own boots and socks, she knelt down to remove his.

When his feet were bare, she lifted her head, catching his eye as she unzipped his pants. She didn’t pull them down, but she did hold his hips to steady herself as she rose back to full height. Unzipping her own pants, she pushed them down with her underwear in one smooth movement, stepping out of them so that she was naked before him.

Despite the fact that they’d slept together several times, this was the first time that she’d actually stood naked for his appraisal. It unnerved her to be so vulnerable, but she knew that he had made himself far more emotionally vulnerable to her and nudity fell far short of repaying him.

Though she stood still for as long as she could to give him a chance to look, eventually her itchy fingers couldn’t remain idle any more and she moved to push his pants and boxer shorts down.

Once he, too, was naked, she took him by the hand and moved towards the bedroom, purposefully leaving their pile of clothes just inside the entry to her quarters. If she had her way, he wouldn’t be leaving until morning and there’d be no need to do a frantic search for his pants after she said something hurtful.

Moving into the bedroom, Kathryn pulled him down, moving so that his warm body covered hers.

He was watching her with guarded eyes, but she could feel the hardness pressed against her thigh and she wiggled until their sexes were touching, her juices lubricating his thick length.

Holding his eyes, she reach down between them to move him until he was poised at her entrance, pushing against the pliant tissue, creating more moisture. There had been more than enough foreplay over the years and, especially, over the last two weeks and she was more than ready for this. She could feel that he was, too.

Her body hummed with pleasure when he pushed into her, their eyes locked, a connection between them that only heightened the sensations her lower body was feeling.

Pulling his head down, she waited until their lips touched before she whispered, “I love you, too.”

***

End