Upon Reflection

Title: Upon Reflection
Author: Ky (venom69)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: Mature People
Summary: They had never lied.
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: None… the show’s ended!
Warnings: None, really.
Prompt Number for 7rainbowprompts: Violet 10 - Reflection
Author’s Notes: Song belongs to Clay Aiken.
Disclaimer: Usual guff. Not mine, promise to put them back where I found them.
Date: 06/03/07

***

If hearts were unbreakable
Then I could just tell you where I stand

***

Upon reflection, Kathryn considered that the way they had been ‘found out’ had probably been the thing to save them.

For all of her promises to him - whispered in the dead of night with her body sated and pliable to his heartfelt pleas to be open about 'them' - she knew that part of her, specifically the part that responded to the call of Captain, would never have allowed the part of her that answered to Kathryn to so blatantly disregard protocol.

It wasn't that she was ashamed of him, or them, more so that she was ashamed of her own inability to resist the pull of desire - for that was all it had been in the beginning, desire - despite the years of protocol that had been hammered into her subconscious mind.

She had lived by those rules for long enough to recite them when asked, but her recitals hadn't kept her warm at night and they hadn't quelled the sharp stab of jealousy - though she had liked to think of it as another bout of heart burn from Neelix's cooking - every time she saw a dimpled smile flashed in the direction of someone other than her.

He says that he never doubted that, sooner or later, he would be able to charm the pants off her - literally, as it had worked out - but Kathryn often thought that he was tainted with doubt until her pants really did come off.

It stood to reason, then, that when Seven of Nine had walked in, halfway through her question about the mating rituals of the newly formed Paris/Torres relationship and found them, well... demonstrating those rituals, that she would be the one to unknowingly let the cat out of the bag.

Though Kathryn held an open door policy for Seven and the rest of the crew, they generally tended to knock and she would have had time to move into a more favourable position for company.

Since the ex-Borg was still learning the nuances of a human society, the fact that she hadn't knocked hadn't really been a shock.

She had, however, learnt enough to know that her mentor was otherwise engaged and had apologised for the intrusion and quickly about-faced and left.

The exchange had happened so quickly that Kathryn hadn't even had time to pull herself off Chakotay's lap.

Seven had taken her questions to the Doctor, the Doctor sought conformation from Neelix, who asked Tom, who asked B'Elanna, who asked Chakotay, who couldn't lie to the woman he thought of as a sister if he tried.

And they hadn’t lied.

They had never lied.

While they had, perhaps, lied by omission, they had never flat-out denied being in a relationship and if the crew had asked the right questions, they would have gotten the truth.

Since they never did ask the right questions - and Kathryn didn’t think that she would have had the guts to ask the Captain if she was doing the horizontal tango with the XO either - it fell upon Voyager's grapevine to relay the news from person to person after Seven had been confronted with her first live porn show.

Kathryn was well aware that she had an efficient crew, they proved that time and time again against friend and foe alike, but news of her sex life had certainly been the fastest spread piece of information in the history of Voyager.

Maybe even in the history of Starfleet.

It was that big, apparently.

Yes, upon reflection, when she considers that she would never have told any of them herself, Kathryn was relatively pleased with the turn of events.

Though she could probably have lived without Seven getting that kind of view.

As she sat at the back of the crowded mess hall - alpha shift dinner time - she watched the crew as they interacted with each other.

People greeted each other reverently and she could imagine the whispered words - "Oh my gosh have you heard?" "Yes, I know, can you believe it?" - as they sought to find someone who didn't know so that they could be the ones to share the news.

Generally, it seemed that her sex life boosted morale.

While that was a daunting prospect - what would they do if she spread word that it was bad sex? Not that it was - Kathryn took comfort in the knowledge that, not only had her world not fallen apart when word spread that she wasn't perfect, but two couples had approached her and requested permission to marry.

She wasn't stupid or obtuse enough to believe that it was simply coincidence that their requests had come not twenty four hours after word got out and it saddened her a little to think that her apparent 'celibacy' had held the crew back in any way, shape or form.

A hand touched her arm and she looked up and smiled.

"You look deep in thought." Chakotay told her as he picked at the food - if it could be called that - on his plate.

"Mmm," She agreed, raising her coffee cup in an almost-salute. "I am."

"Good or bad thoughts?"

"Good, mostly."

"Are you concerned about the crew's reactions?"

When she watched him as he held his breath, not moving, waiting for her to confirm or deny his fears, Kathryn wondered how she could have been so cruel for so many years.

While they had become lovers shortly before Seska had stolen his DNA, it really had been little more than desire.

New Earth had been where they learnt to know each other as more than a warm body and they'd spent perhaps a handful of nights willingly alone since then.

They didn't technically live together, but she supposed that was her doing as well.

Chakotay had never come right out and said it, but she imagined that part of him had always expected her to turn tail and run from them.

Though running from your next door neighbour could be a little complicated, she could have managed it if she'd wanted.

"Were you always worried?" She asked, ignoring his question.

"Worried?"

"That I would never come around and tell the crew."

He paused for a moment, considering how best to answer her question. "I was content to let you move at your own pace."

It was a reply that wouldn't get him a week on the sofa or a week without sex.

He'd learnt well.

But it still wasn't what she was asking. "But didn't you wonder if I'd ever be ready to tell them?"

He had, once or twice through the years, pulled her close and asked her if they could tell people about them.

While her response had always been that she wasn't ready - and she hoped that he had always known that it was about her fears, not a lack of trust in him or them - he had never really pushed the issue and Kathryn thought it quite likely that he would have continued on as they were if Seven hadn't walked in and seen them in all their glory.

"Yeah, I wondered." He admitted. "But I'd rather have you in secret than not at all."

That was way better than the ancient legend he'd used to first tell her that he loved her.

Reaching out, Kathryn took his hand as it rested on the table top.

A few of the crew that were close by turned and looked, but she saw their soft smiles as they returned to their own meals and conversations and, for the first time, Kathryn understood why he had wanted them to be public.

"I'm glad they know." She said quietly.

"Me too." He agreed with a smile, squeezing her hand. "But, upon reflection, perhaps it would have been better if Seven hadn't walked in when she did."

Kathryn laughed loudly and not one person seemed to think it odd.

***

End