Pain

Title: Pain
Author: Ky (venom69)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: Mature People
Summary: "I can't not love you. I don't know how."
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: None… the shows ended!
Warnings: Sexual Situations, language.
Prompt Number for fic101: 14 - Flower
Author’s Notes: Song belongs to Roxette.
Disclaimer: Usual guff. Not mine, promise to put them back where I found them.
Date: 03/01/07

***

Every time I see you
Oh, I try to hide away
But when we meet it seems I can't let go
Every time you leave the room
I feel I'm fading like a flower

***

Kathryn stands nervously.

They've tried this before and it didn't work.

She remembers the pain of it not working. She remembers it all, every nano-second of their relationship and every nano-second of their separation.

The memories hurt, but she can't stop them as they invade her mind.

***

On New Earth they were lovers.

When they returned to the Ship, they agreed to continue their new-found relationship. Agreed that they could handle working together during the day under their command structure and then retire at night as lovers.

Seska had been the first crack in their carefully constructed foundation.

She had sent them the message, detailing that the Majh was going to take her - Chakotay's - son away and kill him. She had planted the seed and Voyager had followed.

Kathryn had tried to be supportive.

Tried to tell him that she and the crew would get behind him in whatever decision he made regarding the baby.

Her thoughts as a Captain had been strategic - how would they get through this one alive? Were the Kazon likely to kill them on sight or could they gain some sort of advantage? - While her thoughts as a woman had been selfish and hurt.

She wanted to have his baby.

It had been the first crack in the foundation of their relationship and each new crisis that arose had added and added pressure.

They had stopped having sex, then they had stopped sharing a bed, then they had stopped talking unless strictly necessary until, eventually, their fight with the Borg, they had become completely divided as a couple.

Kathryn had, at the time, thought it lucky that even amongst the tattered remains of their relationship, they were still able to work together. They were professional, courteous; the perfect Starfleet Officers.

Captain Janeway had been proud, Kathryn had been confused.

Sometimes she had found it hard to look at him and not imagine him as her lover. She couldn't reconcile the man that sat before her with the man that had been inside of her all of those nights. But she did.

She had to.

The first day was hard, with the pain of loosing him so new and fresh. It was hard for a month and every morning she loathed the thought of leaving the safety of her bed to face another eight hours beside him. But then it wasn't so bad anymore. She could still give him orders - she had never lost that ability - and she was able to project a little friendship towards him.

Over time, it got easier and easier, until they were able to speak on reasonable terms.

The crew knew, they were neither blind nor stupid, but no one approached either of them about it.

They were careful to keep everything as normal as possible and the only noticeable change was that, when The Commander escorted The Captain anywhere, they didn't spend the evening with each other any more. They made their entrance and exit together - and still managed to dance once or twice at official functions - but they did not sit together, laughing and talking and sharing secret little smiles.

She invited him to dinner a few times, but that proved too intimate and they always ended up talking about ship's business.

Kathryn had feared for her sanity.

He had been her only outlet, her only way of bringing the woman out from behind the Captain. When they had parted, she had been forced to seek deeper relationships with the crew, out of necessity.

Of the few benefits that came from their separation, that was the best one.

Often, she found herself having dinner with various crewmembers and she found herself interacting with them as a friend and a person.

B'Elanna, certainly, became one of her closest friends, along with Samantha Wildman and the three women were often seen in the mess hall, laughing and joking about anything and everything.

His name was never mentioned.

"I'm glad you're spending time with them." He told her once, on one of the rare occasions that he had sought her out for reasons other than status reports or a crisis on the Ship.

She had been surprised, but responded quickly. "I am too."

The first time she saw him with another woman, she'd cried for an hour.

She hadn't been prepared for it, hadn't expected that she'd still feel that way after almost a year and a half. He'd been on a date with an Ensign from Science and she had walked into the mess hall, seen them together and about-faced back to her Quarters to the solitude of her bulkheads.

B’Elanna had come by to pick her up for their weekly workout on the holodeck, taken one look at her puffy eyes and pulled her into her arms.

Kathryn had cried on her shoulder, sobbing until she had nothing left in her. She had looked at B'Elanna, willing herself to be ashamed but unable to bring the emotion forward. "I didn’t expect it to hurt this much." She had admitted.

Her hand holding hers, B'Elanna has smiled sadly. "It always does. Do you want to talk about him?"

It had been on the tip of her tongue to say no and thank her for the offer, but her mouth had answered without her brains consent and the next thing she knew, she'd found herself telling B'Elanna about her failed relationship.

After that night, his name had been frequently mentioned in their get togethers.

B'Elanna and, by default, Sam, had become aware that it was OK to talk about him and Kathryn had relished the chance to get involved in some good old fashioned 'girl talk.'

It had been easier after that.

When she talked about him, she didn’t feel the urge to flinch and when she saw him with the Ensign from Science, she didn't feel the urge to vomit.

Then, of course, Kashyk had come into their lives.

It seemed that Chakotay didn't like seeing her with another man that she was so obviously attracted to - with his twisted and dangerous side, Kathryn often wondered where the attraction was too - and he had skulked around the ship for the whole time that they were in Devore space.

When they'd left, she'd entered her quarters to find him standing there with a peace rose in his hand. "I'm sorry." he'd said simply, holding the flower out to her.

Kathryn had stared at him blankly.

"This should have worked. We should have worked." He’d continued.

"But we didn't."

"We should have."

Resisting the urge to repeat herself, Kathryn had merely shrugged. "It's in the past now."

"I don't want it to be."

"Chakotay," She had sighed, exhausted after her weeks of dancing through Kashyk's hoops and fighting her unexplainable attraction. "We tried this already."

"Can we try again?"

He had looked so hopeful, standing in her Quarters with the flower in his hand as he looked at her, his expression open. She had wanted to immediately say no and immediately rush into his arms, all at once.

"You hurt me." She had said.

"You hurt me too." Chakotay had nodded, before his expression had reflected sadness. "I can't not love you, Kathryn. I don't know how."

Kathryn had stood just inside her Quarters, staring at him for what seemed like forever. She knew that it was dangerous to get involved with him again, her few but forceful crying fits over the previous year and a half had proven that, but there was something inside of her that couldn't say no to him.

Maybe she'd never be able to.

"OK." She had eventually nodded.

And then she'd fallen into his arms and stayed there for two days.

They'd made love on her sofa, her desk, her bed and one rather interesting foray into the shower. He'd told her how much he loved her over and over again, whispering it into her mouth, her skin, her ear. He'd promised to not hurt her, promised that they would make it work because he didn't like living without her.

She had confessed her love in return, crying it into his shoulder as he'd taken her, panted it into his ear. She had told him that they had to make it work this time because she didn’t like being without him either.

For a time it had been, as Seven would have said, perfection.

She had spent her time on the Bridge as his Boss and the time in her Quarters as his lover.

When B'Elanna had seen her the first morning after the forty-eight hour reunion with Chakotay, the Klingon woman hadn't let her say a word.

Apparently, "The look on your face said it all!" and B'Elanna had rushed towards her in the corridor, hugging her furiously with delight.

Kathryn had laughed gleefully - something she hadn't expected to do again - and they had spent hours in the mess hall, heads together as the schemed for ways to torture Chakotay and the unsuspecting Tom Paris.

When she met with B'Elanna and Sam for their regular get togethers, they had indulged in talks of their respective men and shared all sorts of secrets the way that real friends were supposed to.

The crew knew again.

Their happy Captain was a dead give away.

When they were seen in public together, soft smiles were exchanged but the subject was never once openly discussed. The Voyager crew knew what it meant for those two to be together and no one was going to be responsible for anything going wrong again.

They showed their respect with their silence and the command couple liked it that way.

But then the Equinox crew had come into their lives and Kathryn had known, without a shadow of a doubt, that they were over again and it was her fault.

After everything had been said and done, she had returned to her Quarters to find Chakotay sitting on the sofa, staring at the frame that held the dried flower from their reconciliation.

"I didn’t know you." He's said. "And I didn't like what I saw."

"Me either." She'd agreed quietly.

They'd barely salvaged their working relationship with a comment about salads and croutons, but their personal one was once more demolished.

"Goodbye, Kathryn." He'd whispered as he'd left.

She hadn't cried that night. But she hadn't eaten and she sat on the couch in the spot he had vacated for hours, staring at the dried peace rose.

It was her fault.

There no blurred lines, no steadily growing cracks in their relationship.

They had been good, great, happy, but then she had screwed that up and she had no one to blame but herself.

Kathryn hadn't sought anyone out after that.

When B'Elanna and Sam had asked about their weekly get togethers, she had attended but her appearance had been short and she hadn't really been 'all there' anyway. When there were Ship functions on, she managed to work her appearance in for just long enough to satisfy the crew but not long enough to be forced into speaking with him. When diplomacy called for them to dance, they danced, but neither said a word and they parted in the last beat of the song.

Kathryn hid - though she called it 'working' - in her Ready Room and her Quarters, a cloud of shame wrapped tightly around her.

B'Elanna had been the first to corner her, coming to her Quarters again. "What happened?"

"It's over." Kathryn had shrugged from her position on the couch. She seemed to spend most of her off duty time there, after their second break-up.

She had lacked the energy to care, though.

"I gathered that. Now what happened?"

She had told her - and reasoned with herself that saying no to an angry half-Klingon with a known bad temper was just plain stupid - and B'Elanna had stood with her arms folded as she explained everything.

How happy they were, the disaster with Noah Lessing, Chakotay's final words to her.

"You deserved it." B'Elanna had finally admitted.

Nothing I haven't told myself a hundred times. "I know."

"But I'm sorry." And for the second time in as many years, B'Elanna had hugged her as she'd cried.

Unlike last time, it hadn't gotten better after their break-up.

Chakotay had refused her tentative offers of friendship and she never once blamed him for it.

She was the reason that they weren't together and she was the reason that he wouldn't look at her the same way anymore.

But then she had become the 'Good Shepherd' for her three wayward crew and, when she'd come back into the land of the living in sickbay, he had been by her side, his hand stroking back her hair and his face looming over her, concerned.

He asked her if the good shepherd had found her lost crew and Kathryn had looked across the room at the other occupants of biobeds before she'd looked down at her own hands. "I think she did." She'd try to smile, but her head had been throbbing a little and it was hard to force her muscles into action. "I think she found a missing piece of herself, too."

"Welcome Home, Kathryn." Chakotay had kissed her hair and left.

She hadn't taken it to mean more than it should - but what did it mean exactly? She didn't know - but she'd allowed herself to reduce her hours of solitude a little.

When the next Ship function had come around, a birthday party for Tom Paris, Chakotay had asked to be her escort.

She'd been surprised - floored - and had managed to hide her shock - her desire to pass out from that shock - and she'd agreed, wondering exactly what that meant for them, both on the professional and personal level.

He had picked her up from her Quarters, complimented the soft blue dress that she wore and held his arm out for her to take.

They attended the party, danced twice and then he walked her home, wishing her goodnight and turning away before she could even think of asking anything.

So much happened after that party.

Finding out about B’Elanna’s pregnancy, the disaster with Unimatrix Zero and Q - plus family - and throughout it all, he managed, on some level, to be her friend.

"I saw you and Chakotay last night." B'Elanna told her, one night after - in retrospect - a few too many glasses of wine.

Regardless of the alcohol clouding her system, Kathryn hadn't risen to the bait. "And?"

"You looked comfortable together."

"I think we're friends." She didn't want to jinx it by saying that, but she'd been dying to talk to someone for weeks.

Just like after their first break-up, she couldn’t reconcile the man that was trying to be her friend with the man that had stood in her Quarters months ago and told her that he didn't know her and didn't like what he'd seen.

"But you want more?"

"With Chakotay," Kathryn had admitted, "I think I'll always want more."

More she may have wanted, but she never asked for it.

She never gave him any kind of signal.

They had their social outings - though they hadn't quite progressed to being alone together for long periods of time yet - and they had their occasional dinners in the mess hall together.

She saw him dating another woman and despite the urge to vomit once more surfacing, Kathryn thought it had been inevitable and she only cried for a few moments this time.

Eventually, they managed to start having dinner together.

The first real dinner - complete with candles and an uncooperative replicator - had been the night that he'd burnt out the deflector dish.

Kathryn still doesn't know what happened there, only that he came back - did he actually go anywhere, though? - a totally different man. He'd pulled her from her seat on the bridge by taking her hand in his and had laughed and joked with her after their dinner as they sipped cider on her couch.

Then she had been stranded on Quarra.

Jaffen - sweet, gentle Jaffen that reminded her of Mark in far too may ways - had reminded Kathryn that she was a woman and she still had needs. Needs that, unfortunately, due to his race's genetic disposition, he had been unable to fulfil. But their comfortable relationship and warm kisses had been enough for a short while.

Chakotay had come to find her. She'd known it was him even with the ugly facial distortions that hid his face.

When she'd sat on the sofa with Jaffen one night, she'd stroked his temple, above his left eye and she never knew why. When Chakotay had removed his disguise, she'd put the pieces together in a rush of emotion.

"It may not have been real, Chakotay, but it felt like home. If you hadn't come after me I never would've known that I had another life." She had told him, sitting on the Bridge and staring at the view screen as it showed her temporary home.

"Are you sorry I showed up?" He had asked, something in his voice that she couldn't - wouldn't - attempt to identify.

"Not for a second."

He'd smiled and Kathryn had know that, maybe, they had a shot at being friends again.

The debacle with Seven and her holoprogram hadn't been mentioned to him.

She had threatened the Doctor with decompiling and she'd threatened to shove Seven out an airlock if either of them breathed a word to him. Chakotay was a proud man and she wasn't willing to let the fantasies of a blonde half his age hurt him in any way. While he'd finally made peace with Seven - though he was farm from being within the realm of liking her, let alone wanting to date her - she had known that this would set them back light years.

But then Admiral Janeway had shower up and, basically, shocked the shit out of Kathryn.

She'd looked at herself, so old and bitter and wondered just how she ever got to that state. At one point, in her Ready Room as they finalized their plans - and the Admiral had showed no displeasure about dying - Kathryn had asked her. "How did you get to be so cynical?"

"We screwed up." The Admiral had told her over coffee. "You know we did and you've been regretting it for the last year and a half, right?"

Kathryn had nodded. What was the point in lying to a woman who had lived the same thing? Shared the same shame of the Equinox disaster? "Yes, I do."

"Well I've been regretting it for thirty years. And, hate to break it to you kid, this is how we get."

"Oh." She hadn't known what to say.

"Fix it. Don't screw it up again."

The Admiral had hailed them when she boarded her Ship and left the docking bay. "I meant what I said." She'd told them and Kathryn had nodded; she got the hint.

When they reached Earth, Chakotay had hugged her on the Bridge, congratulating her on the job well done.

Kathryn had nodded and smiled and tried to clear her mind of the foggy haze of confusion that had settled in.

She had apologized to Admiral Paris for startling him - and then cut him off, which was a great impression to make on their first day back - before quietly thanking the Admiral and beginning to formulate plans.

They were home... what happened next?

***

Next, as it had turned out, was what had found her here, waiting, her palms sweaty and her breaths short as she forces her legs to remain standing.

When he enters his Quarters - to pack, she assumes - he stops and stares at her as she stands by his sofa, peace rose in hand. "I'm sorry." She says simply, holding the flower out to him.

Chakotay stares at her blankly.

"This should have worked. We should have worked." She continues in a rush. She's relieved the moment that he said these words to her a thousand times in her head and she needs them to come out right.

"But we didn't."

"We should have."

"It's in the past now." Chakotay remembers the conversation.

"I don't want it to be."

"Kathryn," He sighs. "We tried this already. We tried this twice."

"Can we try again?"

"Kathryn..."

She holds the flower out, urging him to take it but he doesn't move from his position near the door. "I love you, Chakotay. I have since New Earth, maybe before then."

He looks cautious and Kathryn can't blame him. "It would be permanent."

"I'm very OK with that." She's trying so hard not to cry - Happiness? Trepidation? Relief? - she has been since he walked in the door.

"I can't love you and loose you again." He shakes his head sadly and Kathryn can see the memories as they wash over his face.

Waiting until he makes eye contact with her again, Kathryn stands her body straight and speaks slowly, carefully. She tries to convey her sincerity in her words and her expression. "I can't not love you. I don't know how."

Chakotay stands just inside his door, staring at her, obviously trying to weigh the decision in his mind.

He knows that it is dangerous to get involved with her again - the Equinox incident and their subsequent estrangement as friends and shipmates proved that - but she is praying with every fibre of her being that he lacks the ability to say no to her, just as she did when he asked her for anything.

Finally, after too many minutes of painful silence, he takes the peace rose from her hand and she falls into his arms again.

***

End