Title: Days Go By
Author: Ky
Notes: Song belongs to Daryl Braithwaite. Written early 2007.

***

As the days go by
I get a bit closer to you

***

There are days - not many, but enough - when he just wants to tell her to take her parameters and shove them somewhere unpleasant.

And he has suggestions about the location.

Quite a few, on those days.

They are the days when he watches her flirting with some passing alien - usually to get her own way, admittedly - and he hates her with a passion he hadn't known that he was capable of.

They're the days when he goes back to his empty Quarters with the promise of nothing more than a book and another solitary meal as he stares at the drab grey around him.

Days when he thinks that they are never going to get home and, even if they do, he is going to be too old to enjoy her or to have a family anyway, so what is the point in trying?

On those days - there aren't many, but enough - he has no desire to attend his shift.

Chakotay plans to sit on his sofa and wait to see if she even notices that he's not there. But by that time he's already dressed and he always ends up walking toward the turbolift, despite the voice in his head that calls him a chicken shit.

He makes it to the Bridge, greets everyone and then sits, watching her as she carries herself about in her parameter-fied smugness. On those days, he really - but not - wishes that she wasn't so damn attractive.

It would be much easier to hate her if he didn't want to sleep with her.

She sits next to him, completely unaware of the malicious thoughts that scroll through his brain.

Would you hate it if I flirted with other women in front of you, Kathryn? he thinks - and his 'other' brain jumps at the idea. Figuratively. Sometimes literally. - Would it break your heart?

He doesn't think it would.

When they share a meal and he sits across from her, Chakotay really wishes that she was the type of woman that he could fuck once and forget. Just get the damn fascination out of the way so that they can both move on. He would be happy with her friendship if he could just get over the other part that haunts him.

It would be easy to take her into his bed - and his other brain is on board with that idea too - but it would be impossible to let her go.

Hate you! He thinks as he passes her more wine.

And then he wonders if that's directed at her or at himself, for his own pathetic-ness.

She might be the frigid Starfleet Captain hiding behind all of her precious rules and regulations, but he is the dipshit First Officer sitting around like a lone puppy, hoping for a scrap of affection and the chance to hump her leg.

She loves dogs... He thinks and then shakes his head in disgust.

There are mornings - not many, but enough - when he wakes alone yet again and he looks at the empty space beside him and thinks, That's it. Time to move on.

He sets his resolve and then decides he's going to find himself a nice woman who isn't the type to screw him around like she does.

Chakotay will get married. They will have children and he will build his life around the promise of comfort and safety and forget that he once loved a woman that was the type to run from her own feelings.

But then he gets to the Bridge and she smiles at him or she touches him and he thinks, I have go to be the luckiest son of a bitch alive and the cycle starts again, but he doesn't really mind.

Some days.

Not many, just enough to appreciate her even more.

***

End