This is, quite likely, the dumbest thing either of us have ever written, but we'll both cite boredom and too much coffee as the cause.

 

Read at your own risk.

 

Title: Coffee
Author: Ky (venom69) & cassievalentine
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: Mature People, if only for the craziness.
Summary: Once upon a time there was a Starship Captain who had fiery red hair and a temper to match
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: None… the show’s ended!
Warnings: None, really.
Prompt Number for fic101: 81 - Writer’s Choice
Author’s Notes: This is, perhaps, the sole reason that Cassie and I should never be left alone in an MSN conversation when we’re bored. Written via MSN on 16/07/06 and adapted to be more readable today.
Disclaimer: Usual guff. Not mine, promise to put them back where I found them.
Date: 20/02/07

***

Once upon a time there was a Starship Captain who had fiery red hair and a temper to match

In stature, she was a small woman, but she had the ability to command any group of people and was renown for providing little more than a flash of anger or comfort from her piercing blue eyes.

Though she was small, she was mighty, as all the bad guys in the universe knew.

Unfortunately for her, she had one weakness: Coffee.

This weakness made her susceptible to all sorts of evil plans put together by her first officer and chief of security. They knew her weakness and they knew how to work it to their respective advantages.

Fortunately for her, her first officer’s plans always ended with something fantastic for her.

Usually, it was good sex.

Unfortunately for him, she was so eager to avoid the Doctor and his incessant lectures, she hadn't had a fertility blocker in almost three years.

It wasn't long before nature did its thing.

And her evil first officer found himself bent over the toilet bowl every morning.

"How the hell does this work?" He called out to her one morning. "Aren't you supposed to be the one praying to the porcelain God?"

Kathryn, fiery goddess that she is, merely chuckled as she sipped her coffee. "This is the 24th century, you know."

"What did I tell you about coffee?" He said when he finally got up off the floor.

She didn't answer, content to smirk at him in between sips of her black heaven.

He stalked towards her and swiftly removed the cup from her hand as he placed a hand on her pregnant stomach. "No more until this disappears."

Kathryn narrowed her eyes, the words 'die die die, kill kill kill' circling through her hormone enraged mind. "Give me back the coffee before someone gets hurt."

"Oh go harass an ensign that's still scared of you," he said as he left the room, taking the coffee with him.

Her eyes narrowed even further, if it was possible, and she stalked over to the replicator, ordering another coffee as she planned his death.

"Ah, ah, ah!" the replicator replied and produced a glass of fruit juice instead.

"Now THIS," She growled, sipping the fruit juice before throwing it into the recycler in disgust. "Means war."

***

"Isn't that the Captain's mug?" B'Elanna asked as she ran into Chakotay on the way to the mess hall

He tugged on his ear-lobe nervously. "No, of course not." He lied, glancing over his shoulder nervously.

"You are either incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid old man," she said with a smile as they headed to the counter where Neelix was serving breakfast.

Chakotay had to agree that he was probably more stupid than brave, but he clutched the coffee cup tighter and took off running anyway.

"Now, what was that all about?" Neelix asked, more than a little confused

B'Elanna shrugged and offered the only explanation she could think of. "Hormones."

Neelix furrowed her brow as he served her. "Perhaps I'm wrong, but isn't it normally the human female that carries the fetus?"

"Yes, and that is the case here, but Chakotay is a very sensitive man. And the Captain is too stubborn to become over-ridden with hormones." B'Elanna wrinkled her nose as some sort of green paste was placed on her plate, but she didn't comment.

"I see. I think. . . " he said as he added a brown sauce to the plate.

Before B'Elanna had a chance to protest, her comm. badge beeped and the Captains voice came through loud and clear. "All senior officers report to the briefing room."

"Thank God," she muttered as she slid her tray back onto the counter and headed towards a turbolift.

***

As the senior officers began filing into the briefing room, Janeway stood at the head of the table with her hands on her hips and murder in her eyes.

Chakotay slid into his usual seat; having left the mug on the bridge

He was pointedly avoiding looking at her, knowing that any kind of eye-contact would only worsen his punishment.

He was, however, having a great deal of trouble hiding the smirk.

"I've asked you all here," Janeway began, taking a familiar walk around the backs of all the chairs. "To bring to your attention a little issue I think we should discuss."

The 'kids' quickly grew quiet a 'mom' started to speak.

"I think we all know what's been happening on Voyager and it's high time this conspiracy was uncovered."

"Conspiracy?" Tuvok asked

"Don’t play innocent with me, Mr. Vulcan." Janeway glared.

"I assure you Captain, I have no idea what you're referring to."

"I think you do. If you wish to deny your involvement, that's fine. Mr. Paris, however, is well aware of the situation and he will be the one to bring you up to speed." She looked at the young ensign expectantly.

Paris jumped a little in his seat and looked around for support.

He honestly had no idea what was going on. He chanced a glance at Chakotay, who was nearly red in the face trying to hold back laughter. "I was under orders from Commander Chakotay!" he said quickly as he sank down in his chair.

Janeway's glare moved towards her soon-to-be-dearly-departed. "Well?" She asked.

The laughter quickly died in Chakotay’s throat as he sent daggers towards the soon to be plasma manifold scrubber. "Just a minor change to ensure proper health," he muttered. "It was the Dr.'s idea!"

"Minor?" Janeway repeated. "You call cutting off any chance I have at getting a decent cup of coffee a MINOR change?"

"In a few days, a week at the most, you will no longer miss it," the Doctor assured her.

Kathryn sighed, the fight leaving her body. "Have any of you ever been pregnant?" No one replied. "Have any of you ever been in withdrawal?" Again, no reply. "Well, let me tell you that neither are fun!"

"Perhaps not, but it will be worth it in the end!" the Doctor said, ever the optimist

"I could tamper with your program so that you're experiencing EVERYTHING I am," She warned.

"If it will curb your rampant Coffee consumption, I'll help," he countered

She knew that she had very little chance of winning this battle. But, luckily, she'd had the foresight to rescue a Borg Drone and make her a protégée, one that was unlikely to disobey her. "Seven, get me a coffee."

"I must disobey Captain."

"WHAT?"

"The Doctor has threatened MORE etiquette lessons if I comply."

Kathryn saw her point and fixed her gaze on Chakotay. "If you ever want to see me naked again, you'd better find me some coffee."

"I will bath you in coffee," he said as he reached out and pulled her close. "As soon as the baby show ups," he muttered to her.

There had to be a way.

She was a resourceful starship captain, damnit; surely she could get a cup of coffee from somewhere.

***

End