Alterations

Title: Alterations
Author: Ky (venom69)
Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager
Rating: Mature People
Summary: Just why doesn’t Kathy want to pants Chuckles, exactly?
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Chakotay
Spoilers: None… the show’s ended!
Warnings: Language. And, um, it is a parody.
Prompt Number for fic101: 26 - Alter
Author’s Notes: Song belongs to Glen Medeiros. It’s parody time, folks. My first one for this fandom. Hee.
Disclaimer: Usual guff. Not mine, promise to put them back where I found them.
Date: 16/01/07

***

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you

***

"Why doesn't she love me?"

The Quack patted Chuckles' arm awkwardly. There wasn't much that he could say, really. "It's not you Commander."

"Let me guess, it's her?"

"Well," The Quack scoffed. "Of course it's not her..."

Chuckles pouted, his bottom lip sticking out. "It has to be one of us."

"Definitely you, then."

He may have been hurt by that, but he didn't get paid enough to have real emotions so it didn't really matter. "I just don't understand it. Five years I've stood by her side. I lighten her burdens, cook her meals, keep her supplied in coffee, told her a pretty story... hell, I even built the woman a bloody bathtub. What, exactly, do I have to do to get her to love me?"

The Quack sighed, mimicking the act of blowing out a gush of air. He thought it odd that, despite the fact that he didn't actually breathe, his programmer still thought it necessary that he perform the repetitive action to make his colleagues feel at ease. Imitation was the sincerest form of flattery, after all. "I think you might need to discuss this one with Her Majesty."

"But..."

"Chuckles! I wont talk to you any more."

"I..."

"Tell the hand boyfriend, the face ain't interested no more." And the Quack turned and went into his office to play with his conductor's wand.

***

Chuckles stalked the halls of Voyeur.

He honestly didn't know what he had to do in order to get Captain Kathy to notice him.

It wasn't like he flaunted any of the other relationships that he had. Whenever possible, he kept them quiet and away from the Ship. But they were all meaningless, anyway.

Except Riley, because she had left him with the mother of all STD's.

He knew that Kathy wasn't in a relationship. She sprouted protocol at all of the crewmen (And a few of the women, too) that attempted to chase after her, mixing rules and regulations with a gentle smile.

She had 'Defined Parameters' with him when they were stranded together on Ur Uranus but he had thought that it was more about her own fear than any real need for them to stay apart.

They had been, after all, the only two people on the planet. (Unless of course you counted the monkey, but he didn't because he liked his mates to be slightly less furry.)

Suddenly and unexpectedly, she rounded the corner.

Chuckles smiled; obviously their deep bond was in place and working at full strength. All he had to do was think of her and there she was. He wondered if she would appear the next time he thought of her naked when he got bored in the turbolift. He made a mental note to test that one out later.

He looked deep into her beautiful eyes and felt a conversation happen between them, despite the fact that neither's lips moved.

But there was something different about her... something darker and more sinister. "Kathy!"

She nodded once, her pigtails bobbing with her head. "Chuckles."

"How are you, pumpkin?"

Kathy resisted the urge to knee him in the groin. He kept calling her pet names in some adolescent form of seduction. "Fine. What do you want?"

"I'm looking for the head."

It should shock her that her Token Maquis First Officer had lost his own head, but it really didn't. "Did you try on your shoulders?"

He smiled fondly at her. "No, I mean the bathroom. Natures calling."

"I didn't hear the comm...."

"I have to pee."

"Oh!" She nodded in understanding. "There's an airlock not far from here."

"Thanks sweets." He paused and blinked a few times. "What happened to your hair?"

"My hair?"

"It's black."

"And?"

"You're a redhead."

She fixed him with one of her super dooper glares of doom. "I wanted a change. Is that not allowed?"

"How many hairstyles have you had in the last five years?"

Kathy paused as she mentally counted. Bun of steel, pony tail, braid, bob, boyish bob... "Eighty Four."

"That's not enough of a change?"

"Don't make me break out Betsy and hurt you."

He nodded compliantly.

Chuckles had heard horror stories of what she did to people with Betsy... and none of them involved actual firing of the large phaser rifle.

***

Tommy walked into sickbay, his head down as he examined the PADD that B had left as a surprise for him.

It appeared to be some form of Klingy Karma Sutra.

While he wasn't 100% sure that his body would do that, on page twelve, he was certainly more than willing to give page sixteen a try.

"Well, page twenty four certainly looks interesting." He muttered to himself.

"Page twenty four of what, Mr. Paris?"

He looked up and gulped.

He'd forgotten that Captain Kathy was due in sickbay this morning for her regular check up. He looked between her and the Quack. "Technical manual." He replied.

Tommy figured that it was the truth... if you put the right spin on it.

The Quack decided that now was a good time to step in. "Are you planning to assist me today, Tommy?"

"Assist?"

"With Captain Kathy." The Quack looked annoyed. Did no one listen when he spoke anymore? He'd told Tommy at least a dozen times what Captain Kathy wanted to alter. "Her preparations for surgery?"

"Oh! Oh. Right. Sure. That's why I'm here." As he moved forward, his aching ribs reminded him that he was actually here to sort out his 'love wounds' from the previous night. "You know," Tommy started, picking up the medical thingy that he needed to do the unspecified stuff with. "You and Commander Chuckles could play soggy Sao*."

Kathy raised an eyebrow. "Do I want to know what that is?"

"Probably not." He admitted with a grimace.

***

"Lovemuffin, why are you in sickbay?" Chuckles rushed to her side as she sat up on the biobed, grasping her slender hand and tenderly stroking it. "Why didn't you call, I could have been here in your hour of need."

"I don't need you here, tree boy. You're useless on the bridge, what good would you be in sickbay?"

"Honeybuns, I realize that your illness might be putting you a little on edge... are you pregnant???"

She rolled her eyes. "Not likely."

"They why would you say such awful things?"

"Because it's true? And don't even get me started on you and blonde aliens or shuttlecrafts."

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. "Sugarplum, why don't you lurve me?"

"It's not that I don't love you, Chuckles. You are hawt on occasions and I would like to pants you. There's just something that, I think, comes," no pun intended, "between us."

"What could possibly come between us, buttercup?"

"Well... to start with, my real name is actually Keith and I have a penis."

"ZOMG!WTF!BBQ?"

Kathy watched as his eyes rolled back into his head and he slumped to the ground.

"I guess that means no chance of a blowjob, huh?"

The Quack decided it best not to comment. He stepped over the fallen blob on the floor. "Shall we continue with the alterations, Captain Kathy?"

"Absolutely."

***

End

* If you don't know what the game 'Soggy Sao' is, you probably don't want to ask. I blame the one time I braved watching Australia's Big Brother for my knowledge of the game.