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Lewinsky Code
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Mature People Only!

Title:: The Lewinsky Code
Author: Ky
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: Mature People - For Language only.
Summary: It's like a train wreck. Don't want to stare but sometimes you just can't look away.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Ky is mine, though. Go figure. Song belongs to Billy Joel.
Author's Notes: OK. This is based solely on a conversation Jo and I had on MSN. That convo was loosely based on potential spoilers for season 10. If you want to read this, you need to suspend belief and pretend that Wormhole X-Treme is still airing and is relatively sucessful.
With Thanks To: Hannah, Jo and Lisa, for the use of their names and, somewhat, of their personalities.
Date: 02/06/06
Copyright to Venom, 2006

***

What else could I do?
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

***

Jo filled her mug silently, camera angles and lighting techniques fluttering through her mind as she sought out the ambrosia that would kick-start her brain at this early hour.

“Busy?”

She didn’t look up as the voice moved behind her. A hand sneaked past her, reaching for another cup. Long fingers wrapped around the black mug and retreated. “Always.” Her mug filled, Jo turned around to be greeted by the site of her co-worker bending over, searching the fridge. It was the perfect opportunity to kick her in that ass - and damn it was tempting - but even she couldn't be that cruel.

“Where’s the skim milk?”

“I think we’re out.” She replied, sipping slowly at the steaming liquid.

“And nobody thought to replace it?” Ky sighed noisily. “Typical bloody actors.”

“Don’t blame me.”

“Are you an actor?” She teased.

“Ever considered having tea?”

“I’m a writer. Aren’t I meant to be hooked on caffeine?”

“Probably.”

“Anyway, we still on for lunch?”

“Mmm,” Jo nodded. “Lisa is in today, she’ll probably join us.”

Ky filled her mug with what appeared to be regular milk, grumbling as she did so. “OK. See you at noon. Assuming I don’t find the milk hog and shoot them with a prop, thus ending up in handcuffs. Thought that could be interesting too.”

Jo shook her head, amused at her colleague’s tendency towards violence.

Sighing herself, she left the kitchen in search of the prop master who had promised her a new model of the Zet gun before the day's shooting began.

***

Flopping into the empty chair, Jo looked at her lunch, apathy filling her. Whatever it was that they were trying to pass off as food certainly didn’t inspire her to eat. “Any guesses as to what it is?”

Ky swallowed her mouthful, grimacing. “I’m trying not to think about it.”

Lisa nodded in agreement. “Good plan.”

Jo poked the orange thing on her plate, cocked her head, contemplated eating it and reached for the coke in front of her instead. “Any gossip?”

“I died today.” Lisa grinned. “And, apparently, I’m scheduled to die tomorrow too. Now if only someone would let me live for a while…” She looked pointedly at Ky.

“Hey, I’m just one of the writers. I don’t get final say.”

“If I don’t blame you, who else should I blame?”

“I’d blame Jo, but that’s me.” Ky shrugged. “In other news, anyone seen the new Air Force guy?”

“Is he hot?” Jo perked up. The last Air Force Advisor that they had been sent had been a retired Major with an attitude problem and a face that made her queasy.

“He is indeed. I thought we were going to have to restrain Lisa for a while.”

“Is it my fault I like gray hair?”

“No… but you could have at least tried to be discreet with the staring. I think you frightened the poor man.”

“I did offer to make him feel better.”

“Too bad he’s more interested in blondes.” Ky grinned. “Did you see her? Nice!”

Lisa poked her tongue out. “Now who needs restraining?”

“Why have I not seen these people?” Jo pouted.

“Weren’t you in a meeting with the 'creative consultant' for most of the morning?” Ky made little inverted comma signs with her hands at the use of his title.

“Ugh. Don’t even get me started on that.” Jo rubbed her forehead wearily. “I’m making a list. ‘101 Ways To Kill Martin.’ Could be a good movie.”

Lisa laughed. “As long as I don’t die, I’ll volunteer to be an extra!”

Ky stood, pushing her plate away from her. “OK ladies, apologies for making this brief, but yours truly has a meeting with our new Air Force officers!”

The two women left at the table watched enviously as she flounced off.

***

“Any more appetizing today?”

Ky nodded. “Lasagna.”

Jo eyed the mountain of cheese and pasta on their plates. “You’re lactose intolerant.”

“I know!” Ky swallowed a mouthful happily.

Lisa rolled her eyes. “So, how’d the meeting go yesterday?”

“Meeting?”

“With the AF guys?”

“AF guys?”

“Ky! The hot blonde you were drooling over?”

“Oh. Her. Right.” A dreamily look passed the brunettes face. “Great. They’re nice.”

“Nice?”

“Nice?” Jo echoed. “If these people are as hot as you two claim, we need more than that.”

“OK. They’re… very AFish.”

Lisa scratched her neck, frowning. “Is that a word?”

“Probably not.”

“What do you mean ‘AFish’?”

“It’s all subtext with them. Can hardly get a full sentence out of ‘em. They don’t like our Zet guns, by the way. Something about them being convenient for the aliens.”

Jo sighed. After all the dramas she’d had with the prop master, there was no way she was changing those guns. “Did you tell them that we manage to find a full container of them? That our guys are using them as well?”

“Yep. They thought that was convenient too.” Ky rolled her eyes. “Also, they think that the longing looks between Danning and Monroe are ‘inappropriate’ for the show.”

“What? They’re great together! The chemistry is really working for us!”

“I know.” Ky shrugged. “They’ll hate ep 20. Danning is scheduled to jump on Monroe to save her life. There’s going to be a dramatic moment. Almost-kiss type thing, I’m thinking.”

“You’re right, they will hate it.”

“I care.”

“Why don’t you just give them a spot?”

“On the show?”

“Where else?” Jo shot back.

“Why would I do that?”

“To keep them happy?”

“Maybe so, but the accounts department would have a fit.”

“You wouldn’t have to pay them, the Air Force does that.”

“But we would need to give them their own trailers and assistants and wardrobes and props and so on and so forth.”

“The accounts girl likes you. Show her some cleavage and you’ll get your way.”

“You’re implying I should whore myself out?”

“You mean you wouldn’t?”

Lisa watched, amused, as the two bounced back and forth. Just like watching a tennis match, she thought.

***

“And today?”

“Mongolian Beef. Not bad.”

“Cool.” Jo took a tentative bite, decided it was edible and chewed slowly. “So, what’s this I hear about our new guest stars?”

Ky grumbled. “Yes, yes, you won. I gave them a role. They’re temporarily accompanying our guys off-world.”

Lisa frowned. “How did you explain that?”

“I gave them accents and decided that a little disclosure was necessary. We’re filming it next ep, just a few tidbits this week. There’s going to be a summit of world leaders, we’ll tell them about the Star Portal, they’ll want their own teams and we’ll need to train them. ‘Baker’ and ‘Jones’ are the first to be trained.”

“Where are they from?”

“Britain.” Ky winked. “She’s even hotter with a British accent.”

“Nicely done!” Lisa laughed.

“Thank you ma’am. Now, how would you feel about being a Canadian and actually getting a speaking role?”

***

Ky watched the shadow fall over their table. “Before you even ask, lemon chicken.”

“I hate chicken.”

“Shut up and eat woman, we have gossip!”

Jo sat down hurriedly, her food forgotten. “Hit me with it.”

“They’re screwing.”

“The AF couple?”

Lisa nodded. “Yep.”

“You saw them?”

“Nope."

“So how do you know?”

“Code.”

Jo nodded slowly, her features crinkled in thought. “Code?”

“Yeah. Military types do it all the time.”

“You mean like Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta et all?”

Ky shook her head. “No. This is specially adapted code.”

“Like?”

“'We’re just going to my trailer to run lines.’”

“Our guys say that all the time.”

“But it doesn’t translate to ‘let’s play hide the sausage’ with Gunne and Marlowe.”

Lisa shuddered. “At least, we hope not.”

“Ew.”

Jo shook her head. “You guys are batshit.”

“You just wait and see.” Ky grinned.

***

“Chow Mien?”

“S’good.”

“Will take your word for it. Where’s Lisa?”

“Make-up. She’s going to be green today.”

“She’ll hate you for that.”

“I kill her off regularly, if she doesn’t hate me by now then she never will.”

“Point.” Jo nodded. “Where’s our AF couple?”

“Where do you think?”

“Trailer?”

“Mmmmhmmm.”

“You still on about this code thing?”

“Yep.”

“What was it today?”

“‘I'm not sure about this scene, can we discuss our character motivation?’”

“Translation?”

“’Fuck me against the wall.’”

“You need help, woman.”

“You just know I’m right.”

***

“Spaghetti.” Lisa announced.

“It’s overcooked.”

Jo shrugged. “If it’s not poisonous, let’s just be grateful.”

“Hey, Lisa?”

“Ky?”

“I see trees of green…”

“Shut up.”

“Grass is always greener…”

“Shut. Up.”

Jo patted Lisa’s hand soothingly. “Didn’t make-up help you get it all off?”

“Yes. Unfortunately, they appear to have missed some under my hair. I have to re-shoot this mornings scene cause they have me in a slinky little alien number with a green neck.”

“Nice. Don’t you get to hug your AF hottie in that scene?”

“Oooh yeah. Have I thanked you for that yet Ky?”

“Not yet. Flowers would say it well.”

“I’ll remember that. Where is my AF hottie?”

“Do you really need to ask?”

Jo rolled her eyes. “What was it this time?”

“‘I don’t think I am in the right place in this scene.’”

“Translation?”

“‘Bend me over and fuck me doggy style.’”

Jo shook her head. “You’re still on about this code shit?”

Ky shrugged. “The mental images are just too nice to give up.”

***

"And the lucky dish of today is...?"

"Lentil soup." Lisa grinned happily, swallowing a mouthful of the steaming liquid. "Ky's refusing to eat."

"I have coffee. I'll live." She held up her mug as proof. "Hey, Jo?"

"Mmmm?"

"I was thinking...."

"Did that hurt?"

"Yes, actually. Can we get another guest star in for the next ep?"

"No."

"You don't even know who I want!"

"Ky, everybody knows who you want. No."

"Oh, c'mon!"

"Nope."

"It'd be great!"

"Not gonna happen."

Lisa thought for a moment. "Isn't she still in New York doing her play? Tea At Five?"

"Yep. But I could write her a wonderfully convincing script, she'd be completely compelled to come for it."

Jo raised an eyebrow. "And that is the reason I'm saying no."

"What is the reason?"

"You'd be impossible to live with sprouting all that innuendo!"

"Directors suck."

"See what I mean?"

Lisa coughed, covering her laugh. "Speaking of innuendo..."

"Don't tell me you're in on this too?"

She nodded. "It's pretty convincing."

Sigh.

Jo shook her head. She worked with children. "What now?"

"This morning, when I was waiting for the scene to start, he said 'Some of this technobabble is really confusing to me' just as she was walking past. So now she's in his trailer coaching him."

"Translation?"

"'Eat me.'"

"Seriously, you guys, this is ridiculous! I'm going to set up for the next shot." Which they all knew meant she was going out for a fag – despite the fact that she’d ‘quit’ last week – before someone needed her for something. "Try to grow up before you get back to set, OK?"

Lisa and Ky stared at each other, heads cocked to the side.

"Clearly, she wants him as well."

"Or her." Ky offered.

***

Ky held up her mug. "We've got lentil leftovers."

"So you have coffee."

"And a fag."

"Healthy."

"My Doctor thinks so too."

“Where’s Lisa?”

“Make-up.”

“She’s going green again?”

“Would I do that to her a second time?”

“Yes.”

Ky considered it for a moment. “OK, yes I would. But I didn’t.”

“So what colour is she now?”

“Blue.”

“She’ll kill you.”

“Probably, but Hannah is blue as well. Day after tomorrow they’re in purple wigs.”

“Have you converted Hannah into your code theory too?”

“Working on it. I’m calling it ‘The Lewinsky Code.’ Brilliant, don’t you think?”

“Why that?”

“Because it’s like the Da Vinci Code with all of it’s subtleties, but they’re more likely to be fiddling with cigars as opposed to hunting for Mary Magdalene.”

“You have a truly warped mind, you know that right?”

“Course I do. You want to hear the latest?”

“No.” Jo sighed. “Okay, yes.”

“It was when you were doing the final run-through prior to shooting. AF hottie has that line about Monroe being trigger-happy?”

“Mmm.”

Ky grinned. For someone who thought she was batshit – which wasn’t strictly untrue – Jo sure looked interested in what she was saying. “Blondie was standing off-screen, and when he said ‘We’re not trying to kill these people, damnit!’ she shook her head and said ‘You need to be more authoritative here.’”

“And what, pray tell, does your warped mind turn that into?”

“‘I want it rough.’”

“Ky, maybe you should go out and pick up a shag. This obsession with the Advisors can’t be healthy.”

“I know, I know, but this is a lot more entertaining.”

“If you say so.” She shook her head. “I need to be off, Martin is screaming about the backdrops for next ep.”

“Can’t we just get through this ep before he goes off the deep end?”

“Apparently not.”

***

“Chicken Salad.”

Jo looked at Lisa’s plate. “Yours is suspiciously absent of chicken.”

“Cafeteria lady likes me. She always makes a special vegetarian meal for me.”

“Does anybody in this studio actually do their job equally for all?”

Lisa thought about it for a moment, chewing slowly on a piece of tomato. “Doubt it.”

“Nice. I need a raise.”

Ky snorted. “You! I’ve been stuck in a meeting for the last two hours.”

“With?”

“Blondie and AF hottie.”

“Do you even know their names?”

“Of course I do, but my nicknames are so much more entertaining.”

“Whatever you reckon, love. What’s up with them now?”

“Firstly, our salutes are sloppy. They have to consciously wok to make them look fake or something. But that’s not the best bit. They’re unhappy about the amount of times Danning makes it with the alien of the week.” Ky rolled her eyes. “Apparently, if there were ever such a time where the AF were going to other planets, there would be strict regulations on interactions with the natives. Or as AF hottie put it: ‘you never know what kind of STD you could get from one of them.’”

“Have they not been introduced to the WXTF?”

“WXTF?” Lisa repeated.

“Wormhole X-Treme Fandom. We’re a hit with nerds everywhere.” Jo shrugged.

“Nerds?”

“Well, more geeks. Net Geeks. People that spend copious amounts of time in front of their computers. They frequent fanfiction archives, – some even write it – they do photo manipulations to get their favorite couple in the buff together. They troll through message forums to find spoilers for upcoming episodes, no matter how wrong they are. They have more contact with people on MSN messenger than they do in real life and apparently something called FF.net is the spawn of Satan though that is, as yet, unconfirmed.” Ky grinned. “Doesn’t that just give you a warm tingly feeling?”

“Sounds slightly obsessive if you ask me.”

“Just a bit. Bit it keeps the fans interested and the ratings up, especially when we do emotional scenes. You should see the Shippy Shit that these people have going for Danning and Monroe. Apparently, those two are something called ‘OTP.’ I think it means Off The Planet, or Only Two People, but Martin could tell you for sure. He’s probably a closet geek.”

“And fanfiction is?”

“A train wreck. You don’t want to stare but sometimes you just can’t look away. The things these people write.” Ky shuddered. “I’m telling you, if we ever make a porn film for this show, I want to hire some of these writers out there. The things that they have these characters doing is inventive, to say the least. Even Grell. He’s supposedly some kind of walking vibrator with all the wires inside of him. Which is creepy and wrong.”

“Do you think anyone would write this stuff about my AF Hottie?” Lisa grinned hopefully.

“It wouldn’t shock me.”

Jo rolled her eyes. “Where is he, anyway? Isn’t he supposed to be supervising the fight scene?”

“Where do you think he is?”

“Ugh. OK, tell me.”

“Blondie was screwing her scenes up.”

“And he said?” Jo had a fair idea of where this one was heading.

“‘You seem to be choking on your words.’”

“And you took it to mean?”

“‘Suck me off, bitch.’”

“You know,” Jo started, taking a bite of chicken and grimacing as she did so. “For all of this subtext you’re inferring from their words, what makes you so sure they’re actually screwing? I mean, everything you’ve quoted could also be perfectly innocent.”

“Could be. But have you ever heard the saying ‘If the trailer’s rocking, don’t come knocking’?”

“Yes…”

“His trailer rocks. A lot.”

***

“Pizza today.”

“I suppose you got a specially made vegetarian one?” Jo snorted.

“Yep.”

“And I suppose every other dish we’ve eaten lately has been specially fitted for you?”

“Yep.”

“Seriously need a raise. Where’s Ky?”

“With Hannah. Continuity crisis, I think. She’s trying to fix it before Martin reads the script.”

“Which we both know he’s already done.”

“Yep. He’s been looking for her for almost an hour now.”

“So why is Hannah involved? I assume we didn’t have a continuity crisis about the extras?”

“Ky needs a lookout, I guess.”

"Right. Does this mean I don’t have to hear about your AF hottie’s supposed innuendo today?”

“Nope. This morning it was all about the facial expressions.”

“They were making faces at each other?”

“No, they weren’t using the right facial expressions for the scene.”

“They’re military, not actors.”

“I know.”

“So what did he say?”

“What you’d expect.” She shrugged. “‘I really don't think your facial expressions match the scene.’”

“And you took it as?”

Lisa grinned. “‘Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.’”

“You’re getting dirtier every day.”

“I know. Isn’t it great?”

***

“Omelet.”

“And Ky?”

“Coffee and a fag.” She took a sip of said cup. “And don’t even start.”

“Wasn’t planning too.” Jo sat down. “Last day of filming tomorrow.”

“I know.” Lisa sighed.

“You’re in the next ep darl, what are you so sad about?”

“No more AF hottie.”

Ky blinked. “We only get them for one ep?”

Jo nodded. “Yeah, 13 days was the max they could give us. Filming will be done tomorrow and we won’t need them for editing anyway.”

“At least, you hope not. I’ve only met with them twice, does the Air Force really think that I’ve learnt the regs back to front in that time?”

“I think they were just here to make sure we didn’t screw it up too badly.”

“Couldn’t they have just watched the show then? Surely if we were screwing it up, then we would at least be doing it consistently.”

“I don’t know.” Jo shrugged. “They send them periodically. This time we got lucky with a Colonel and a General. God only knows what they did to deserve it…”

“Got caught?”

“Doubt it.”

“What do they do anyway? I mean, when they aren’t using innocent television studios as a playground for their own personal karma sutra experiments?”

“I’ll bet he works with his hands. Those long callused fingers just scream of hard work, sweat…” She trailed off, her eyes closing.

“Lisa!”

“What?”

“You OK?” Jo leaned forward a bit, studying her.

“Oh yeah.”

Ky snorted. “You need a life, Lisa.”

“Would you turn him down if he was offering?”

“No." She replied without missing a beat. "Wouldn’t turn Blondie down either.”

Jo laughed. “Yeah, but you’re easy.”

“Shame you weren’t on-set this morning Lisa.”

“What did I miss?”

“Salutes.”

“Ooooh. Why did I have to be in costume design?”

“Cause I’m a bitch.”

“Or because I am.” Jo added.

“Right.” She laughed, looking to Ky. “So what’re our favorite couple up to now?”

“‘Your salutes need some work.’”

Lisa bounced in her seat. “I know this one!”

“Well?” Jo looked at her expectantly.

“‘Get on your knees and call me Sir.’”

Ky grinned. “You got it chickey!”

“I like that one.” Jo smiled.

“You would.”

***

Hannah approached the three women sitting at the plastic table with slight hesitation.

The wardrobe department appeared to have royally screwed up on her slave outfit. She couldn’t walk, she had no idea how she was going to bow for scene 47 without revealing more than was necessary.

“So this is the infamous gossip table, huh?”

Lisa nodded, her purple wig bouncing precariously. “This is it.”

“Stir Fry.” Jo supplied, not looking up from the script in front of her.

Hannah blinked, shifting herself until she managed to sit down. “What?”

“That’s what’s for lunch.” Picking up a pod of snow peas with her chopsticks, Jo popped them into her mouth before turning her attention back to the script.

“I didn’t ask.”

Ky snickered. “Ignore them darl, it’s a little tradition we have.”

“It appears it’s also tradition for Ky to not eat.” Lisa gave her a pointed look.

“Is it my fault they serve crap? I’ll go to Maccas on the way home.”

Lisa rolled her eyes but let it go. “What’s Jo so engrossed in?”

“She’s being directorish.’ Ky shrugged, taking a sip of her coffee. “Prospective script for ep 20. Though I don’t know why she’s reading it now…”

“I’m reading it now because you still don’t have a leading alien selected.”

“Do I look like the casting director?”

“No, and nor am I, but I have a suggestion. You’ll have to re-write her to be a bit more feisty though.”

It was Ky’s turn to roll her eyes. “If I can’t have Kate, you’ve got buckley’s of getting Lauren.”

“Now what made you assume I want Lauren Holly in this role?”

“How about because I know you?”

“Point taken. I think I have seniority over you, you know.”

“Maybe so, but the head honcho’s like me better than you.”

“That’s because you got drunk at the last Christmas party and…”

“Ladies.”

Lisa gulped audibly as she looked up at the AF Advisor. “Hi.”

“Lisa.”

Jo could practically hear the voice in her head screaming 'Oh My God he knows my name!'

Lisa giggled. “Hi.”

Ky kicked her under the table. “How’re those re-writes working out for you?”

“Fine, fine. Still not sure why you gave Carter and I a part though, we’re just here to make sure you’re up to date on the regs and such.”

“Yes, well, Our Ever Wise Madame Director here,” She pointed lazily towards Jo. “Thought it would be a good experience for you.”

“Thanks to Jo then.”

She gave a vague thumbs up in response. “Anytime.” Her attention turned to Ky, glaring. “Call me Madame Director again and I’ll handcuff you to the front gate.”

“Kinky.”

“Sir!”

“Carter?”

“You still want to run lines?”

“Sure.”

“Shootings on in forty."

He nodded. “Let’s go then. Ladies, twas a pleasure.” He smiled at Lisa, who was still grinning stupidly, and Hannah. “I definitely think the extras should get a better part!”

The four women sat in silence as the officers turned and walked towards the trailers.

Lisa was the first to speak. “What do we translate that as?”

Ky grinned. “I think it definitely means that the extras should be allowed to join them.”

“But that,” Jo smiled. “Is a story for another time.”

***

Ende.

Feedback? venom_the_shipper@yahoo.com.au