Phsycopathic Powers
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Title: Psychopathic Powers *SEND FEEDBAKC*
Author: [info]venom69 and [info]saramund
Season: Who cares
Category: PHAORODI, humour (Probably BAD humor)
Warnings: We wrote it? This is a poaridy. This means that we are taking the pisss out of everything imaginable. This is a warning. It also contains smut, sexual situations, bad sexual connotations, implied sexual going-on’s, innuendo….look, just read it.
Spoilers: Twin Triplets, Colgate Smile


Jacob stood stunned, watching as his only, virginal daughter allowed the grey-haired ingrate to caress and whisper sweet nothings to her stomach.

“What the hell is going on here?” He bellowed dramatically, stamping a foot for emphasis. Jack jumped back, running around to stand behind his Sammie, protectively of course. Cause you shield effectively when you cower behind someone…. *SEND FEEDBAKC**SEND FEEDBAKC* *SEND FEEDBAKC* *This is a subliminal message. You will see these sporatically thru out this fic. Your brain is powerless to refuse the subliminal message. You must *SEND FEEDBAKC**

Sam placed one hand on her protruding stomach, dinstinktively protecting her two week four hour, thirty six minute and fifty-four second old children. Of course, being a physicist, Sam knew the instant that conception occurred, even to the point of calculating the average speed of each of Jack’s ‘little swimmers’.

Sam smiled, pleased that she could finally share her joyous knews with her father. “Daddy, you’ll never believe this! Jack and I are married and we’re going to have triplets!” She SQUEE-ed.

Jacob’s eyes narrowed, and then buldged. He was pissed, man. Big Kev wasn’t excited anymore, and Jan was not fucking happy. *Aussies Joke* “You what?” He growled, eyeing jack with a dangerous look. “I’ll kill you. No! Better yet, I’ll kill you then castrate you!”

“Daddy no!” Sam begged, falling to her knees in front of her father, tears beginning to poor down her face, leaving glistening tracks down her flawless cheeks in the harsh fluro light. She could look good in anything. “I’m not really the storng, independent woman I was portrayed as in the first six seasons. I’m actually a weak, pathetic little girl who needs a big strong man to protect me!”

Jack was sure glad that Teal’c was around. Someone needed to protect Sam.

“Really, sir, I didn’t mean it! It just happened!” Jack tried to console the oldr man.

“You mean you just happened to fall into my daughter? Accidental huh? And I supposed your clothes had been sucked off by a vacuum in space, huh?” Jacob started muttering to himself, spinning in a circle like a Jack Russelle chasing his tail.

*SEND FEEDBAKC* “Sir!” Janet protested, coming to the defense of her best friend. And Sam. “She is in a gravid condition, as am I, and neither of us need this kind of confrontation. Especially when we are both carrying twins.”

JAcob did a double take, blinking blankly at the doctor, before turning back to his daughter and the bastard who had corrupted her. He glared at the Colonel before him, who was still standing supportively behind his ‘wife’.

“You… wear did this happen?”

“On the planet Wowthisisn’tearth. There was a beautiful bonding ceremony, where Sammy could either marry me or be killed. *SEND FEEDBAKC* The beautiful, intelligent multi-talented KylieAKAvenom married us, and everyone was there to behold our union.”

“WHAT?” Jacob exploded. He grabbed Jack by the scruff of his kneck, snarling into his face, spitting globules of saliva all over Jack’s face. “You couldn’t even give my daughter some privacy during the initiation into womanhood?”

Jack stared at Jacob for a good minute before collapsing in laughter. Sam quickly followed, holding her rounded stomach as she laughed helplessly – tears streaming down her face as she did so. Hell, wouldn’t you after that statement?

“I … we…. Oh, never mind.” Jack tried to explain

“We are going back to this planet of yours to speak to this Ky…lie person and get this marriage anoulled.”

“But we’ve already constipated the relationship!” Jack protested. Sam murmured something in his ear, and watched as the red flush of embarrassment flooded his face. “Ahh, I meant consternated the relationship.”

“I don’t care! We’re going back. I want my daughter back, unharmed and hole.”

Jack nodded meekly, not daring to protest and two minuets later he found himself stepping back onto the familiar vista of Wowthisisn’tearth. *SEND FEEDBAKC* Fuckmeimanalien was waiting for them, obviously having developed phsyco powers since their last visit. With him stood Noshitimandalientoo, as well as the ever-glowing KylieAKAVenom. She was so pretty.

“You are back!” She sihghed happily, stating the bleeding obvious and rushing towards Sammie to embrace her and then reach down to rest her log, elegant, ethereal hand on her jutting stomach. “Wow, you’ve certainly blossomed since you were here yesterday!”

“I know,” Samn beamed, gushing at the thought of her child. No, it was twins, wasn’t it? Or triplets? Something like that. “I can’t believe how quickly the time has gone, it seems like just the other day Jack and I were fucking for pleasure, not to procreate.” *SEND FEEDBAKC*

“Yes, they will sonn be ready to cum into the world.” KylieAKAVenom gushed. And then, just as she uttered the words, a newcomer entered into their little ‘circle of love.’ KylieAKAVenom pointed to the lovely lady that stood at her side. She had long flowing hair of brown, deep and mysterious eyes that help wisdome and courage. “I would like you all to meet my sidekick. Her name is SaramundAKABec. (Hey, since when am *I* you’re sidekick? Shuddup Bec.) Long name, I know. But she has phsyco powers too! Wht do you think of my friends?”

SaramundAKABec studied s/j, their hands entwined and obliviouous to the scowl that Jacob sent them. “Sam, I fear that you are nearing the time when your children shall enter this world.”

In fact, as she spoke, due simply to perfect timing on the part of the Mary Sue, Sam doubled over in pain as a contraction hit her. “Oh!” She moaned, and then looked down at her legs to see the wet staing. “My water just broke!” She wailed.

Jack panicked, but then remembered that he is mall, and therefore not in danger of wetting himself like sam so obviously had. *SEND FEEDBAKC* “Oh baby it’s oK! Breathe baby, just breathe!”

Sam grabbed jack by the balls and gave him a deadly stare. “I am fucking breathing!”

SaramundAKABec and KylieAKAVenom exchanged meaningful looks, both nodding as their phsycopathic powers connected them through a brain link. Whatever they discussed, they seemed to both come to the sam conculsion and each raised their right hands, leaning over to touch same’s painful abdomen.

They chantd something in another language and smiled. We won’t repeate what they said, simply because the authors are not talented enough to come up with a feesable rhyme to match the beauty and intelligence of these too characters – we also can’t be bothered. (It did, however, sound remarkably like “I feel like a Thooye’s.” And they both seemed to have Australian accents. Odd that. And then, to please the Americans, KylieAKAVenom chanted again “Jack lives here.” *Author would like to intergect at this point that we are *not* on the piss. We merely act like it when writing parady’s. Or paryidies. paridyes. Funny fics!*) *SEND FEEDBAKC*

Suddenly, without warning, unexpectedly Toocoolforschool came rushing towards Sam like a bat out of hell (oooh, we need to change CD’s, Venom!) *SEND FEEDBAKC* and snatched Sam from Jacks tender embrace, fleeing towards the school jimnasimum, away from the gatered congregation. Jack whaled with despair, unable to move as his twue wove was plucked from his gasp. His training abandoned, he curled into a fecal ball, unable to do anything but cry into the dirt.

SaramundAKAKylie and VenomAKABec (or… crap – you know who we mean) shot off after the juvenile delinekwent confident that their pshycopathic skills could assist them in their kwest to append the evil kidnapper.

“Please, bring my lady-love back to me!” Jack wailed, reaching out one despearate hand. Fearing that Sam had staged the abduction to be with whateverthehellhisnameis jack began to turn an aschen color/colour and started loosing wait rapidly, becoming gaunt and pale, and his hair turning an alarming shade of blonde/blond. Much like season one. *Shudder**SEND FEEDBAKC*

“Jesus, Jack.” Daniel daringly declared, during a deliberate decrease in the discussion. Jacob turned to the young archae/linguist. Cause you know, the guy is so damned smart he can learn 23 (well, it was 23 back in season 2) languages at the same time as studying archaeology and linguistics. Sheesh, and they call SaramundAKABec and KylieAKAVenom Mary Sue’s…..

“Jack? Son? Are you alright?” Jacob whispered, clearly suffering from man-PMS, as his attitude towards the poor guy kept changing from one paragraph to the next.

Fuckmeimanalien, who had conveniently remained silent so that the authors could have fun whumping Jack (And Denial. But we weren’t really whumping him. We were merely taking the piss out of his character and the way that he is portrayed in fics. *Mutters about the samandjack relationship not being in cannon. I’ll show you fucking in CANNON!*) from here to next Tuesday, finally decided that it suxed being one of thoes guys with no lines. He pitied the nameless mariens who stayed in the Gate room, putting their lives on the lines without getting any lines. He was confused now. Anyway, he decided that it sucked and stepped up to to bat.

(For the Yanks) Bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded and Fuckmeimanalien steps up to teh plate…..

“I am afraid that this is all my fault.” He eclaired sadly. *SEND FEEDBAKC*

“Wh-wha-what do you m-me-mea-mean?” Jack sobbed, slowly rising to stand unsteadily on his feet after being corled up in the fetal position.

“Well, you see, Toocoolforschool is, in fact my son.”

The crowd grasped.

“You see,it happened like this…..”


*SEND FEEDBAKC*Fuckmeimanalien was walking towards the tent in the center of the square, hoping to speak to, and share wisdome with SaramundAKABec and KylieAKAVenom. They were suck wonderful women. Clearly overworked, underpaid and underappreciated. Clearly.

He was walking along, happily in his daydream about sleeping with Daniel. Because he was scret;ly gay, when 2Kewl4Skewl bumped into him and sent them both flying to the ground.

“Sorry” The younger man muttered.

“No, it’s all good dude! I wanted to chew the fat with you anyways.” Fuckmeimanalien stated. *SEND FEEDBAKC*

“What about?” 2Kewl (I shortened it, okay? I was getting the shits writing it, and would have ended up with RSI eventually.) asked, cocking his head to the side in an impressive imitation of Teal’s. Even tho this flashback occurs months before Colgate Smile. Yeah. Go with it.

*SEND FEEDBAKC* “Toocoolforschool…….*Insert suspence musice here* I am your father.”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! It’s not true! Tell me it’s not true!” He wailed, in an impressive Sarabi-like fashion. “I will rebel! I will not be conformed into your mashachionistic (Yeah. We don’t know what that word means either, figure it out your bloody selves! Hey, don’t look at us like that, *you’re* the ones that demanded a sequel. ‘We want a sequel’ y’all whines. SO what did we do? Wrote you a freakin’ sequel! Okay, so don’t bitch to me about ‘bad spelling’ or ‘poor grammar’ it’s a fucking PARRADIE! Who the fucking hell do you think that you are you bunch of fuc- Venom! What? Stop harassing the readers and go back to the story line! But, they were fully staring at us! I don’t care, just WRITE!) ways of life!” Toocoolforschool decided that since the PMSing author nterrupted his rebellious reply, he’d repeate it. “I will rebel! I will not be conformed into your mashachionistic (Still don’t know what that is, people.) ways!”

Just then, against the wills of the leader, Fuckmeimanalien, the young rebellious teen sparked up a ciggie and readjusted his crotch. IN PUBLIC! *Gasp* Fuckmeimanalien realized that his son was beyond redemtion (One or two, take your pick. Anewbus, this is your agent) and turned away in disgust. There was no saving this child. Clearly the parenting school had failed in it’s duty. It didn’t help that his mother had run off to join a circus, and Fuckmeimanalien was more often visiting KylieAKAVenom for ‘private studies’ or SaramundAKABec for some ‘one on one tutoring’….

(Shit, just made us out to be ‘hoe’s. But I promise, we’re not. It’s just that we’re both so beautiful and friggin perfect, who wouldn’t want to bump uglies with us. Of course, SAramundAKABec and KylieAKAVEnom don’t have uglies. They’re beautiful ALL over…. *cough* Someone bring me a bucket! *cough*)*SEND FEEDBAKC*



“God damned sons of syphilis infected one eyed, three legged, flee infested mongrel bitches*!” Jack raged, face purpleing in his nager. Daniel blanched at the inventive curse (Yes, thank you Saramund, for the use of the curse. *Coming to a fic near you soon.*) den nodded his hed in agreement. For the two of them always agreed.

*OH CRAP!* It’s Jon*ass*, not Daniel (supplement all previous mentions of Daniel with Jonass. Of course, that won’t work with the Daniel rant… ahh, fukit. Just go with it, folks!)

Right, sorry – Jonass agreed with Jack, because he was still trying to get on Jack’s good side… or actually, any side.. cause that guy was a serious hunk-a-man… Teal’c reamined statically silent, his hand caressing the phallic like staff weapon as he watched Jonas agreeing with Jack.

*SEND FEEDBAKC*Kylie@Venom and Bec@Saramund returned, phsycoically carrying Sam and her newborn triplets, Bec, Kylie, Venom and Saramund (Saramund was the unexpected bonus to their little family). 2kewl4skewl drudged along behind the two beautiful aliens, head down and unlit fag hanging from his lip. *SEND FEEDBAKC* He looked up and saw jack cooing over their new twin twins. samandjackNC17 were clearly the doting parents and Sam/Jack would probably have perfect children. Bloody main characters always go the best deals.

“You Tau’ri and your perfect lives, with Twin Triplets and perfect Colgate smiles! What rite do you have to any of the benefits of travelling through the stargate? I’m just as entitled to have a wife and children! And a big gun! And a phallic-like staff weapon! And dammit, communal showers! Do you know how lonely it is bathing without anyone to watch you?” All through the rant, the unlit toke remained perfectly still, balanced on his top lip. Sam and Dan-Jonass watched the ciggarette in fascination, amazed at the skill the young man had with his lips.

*SEND FEEDBAKC* “We put our lives on the lines EVERY DAY.” Jack replied, going in to his wanker-speech with ease. “Twice a day on Sunday’s. And we don’t get time and a half. Let alone any leave-loading for holidays. If we’re even allowed to take holidays. And the health plan? Please – we don’t even have dental, FCOL. I get the chance at happines, and you have the gall to acuse us of having it perfect? Sure, My Sammy-whammy is God’s gift to the human race, smarter even than VenomAKABec and SaramundAKAKylie, here, but she has it tough. We all do. There are days when we have to report to work at 0900! And we all know what the ‘o’ stands for, right? OH-MY-GOD-IT’S-EARLY. I mean, that means getting out of bed before the sun is over the yard-arm! Of course, JOnass is always up at that time, digging in to his usual brakefast of banana’s dipped in yoghurt.” (Sorry, can’t help it, it’s early AM (0200) and my mind has bought a time-share in the gutter) *SEND FEEDBAKC*

Jack was quiet clearly finished ranting, as he had lost the plot and totally forgotten what he was defending. Noshitimanalientoo brought out the script from Colgate Smile and flipped to the back of the manuscript, finding the page that held the lines for this one. Jack red quickly, hoping that no one would noticed his momentary lapse in consternation. Jack red quickly, hoping that no one would noticed his momentary lapse in consternation. Jack red quickly, hoping that no one would noticed his momentary lapse in consternation. And then, b4 he new it, he was stuck in a time warp. Jack red quickly, hoping that no one would noticed his momentary lapse in consternation.

*SEND FEEDBAKC*Sam, who, despite having just given birth to FOUR children, had a uterus and a vagina the size of a freakin’ watermelon on steroids, decided that the only was was to save Jack- Jack red quickly, hoping that no one would noticed his momentary lapse in consternation.- was to have sex with him, thus bringing him ot an erth-shatterin orgasm that would shake his foundation and rock his world, thus - Jack red quickly, hoping that no one would noticed his momentary lapse in consternation.- breaking the- Jack red quickly, hoping that no one would noticed his momentary lapse in consternation.- time loop.

She removed her clothes, and jumped on him-Jack red quickly, hoping that no one would noticed his momentary lapse in consternation.- Two seconds later (Yes, she is *that* good) -Jack red quickly, hoping that no one would noticed- he came like a runaway train screaming “Oh yes! Baby! Use my body like it’s your own personal theme park! Yes! Take me!” His pulsating manhood delved into sam’s womanly treasures. Mindless of the fact that her father was not a meter from them, Sam’s tunnel-o-love quivered.

(It is at this point in time that the authors have decided that it would be best to change their names, come up with new pseudonyms and claime to have NOTHING to do with this fic. That is why we have changed our names to Venom and Saramund. You’ll NEVER guess who we really are! *SEND FEEDBAKC*)

Yeah baby.

Simply the feel of jack’s hot seed (God forbid it’s lukewarm) erupting high inside of her, touching her womb (Which, remember, has just spat four kids out!) was enough to bring her to a shattering orgasm. Despite the fact that jack had, clearly, just shot his brain out of his balls, he was hard and ready to go again in seconds. He was that good. Jonass is jealous.


After watching the exchange of fluids, Toocoolforschool lit his cigareettte and sat back, smoking the cancer-stick in sympathy for Jack who was reduced to a quivering heap at jacob’s feet.

“Wow,” Jacob commented absently. “Considering that, two weeks ago she was a virgin, Sam sure knows a lot.” He hugged sam then. “Your mother would be so proud.”

Sam’s Colgate Smile made her teeth gleam as she smiled at her father (Hey, isn’t she still naked or something? Whatever.) Jacob helped the severely weekend Jack stand up and together, SG-1 walked towards the stargate, with the four new babies (Who were walking already!) in toe, babbling happily to themselves..


There was a large explosion as they entered the Gate and they all died. And thus, we have no reason to fear as they are all dead and we can’t POSSIBLY do another seqwel.

Bugger off.