Colgate Smile
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Title: Colgate Smile
Author: Venom_69
Summary: Jack O’Neill, he’s just damn hot.”

Jack smirked. “I am?”

“Well, Sir, you did say how hot this planet was…..”
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, never will. Promise to put them back in the state I found them.
Author’s notes: I have a feeling I’m going to be kicked out of the fandom for this…..
Date: 10-02-2004
Copyright © to Venom, 2004


Jack stepped out of the wormhole, placing his sunglasses on his face to ward of the bright light of the planet’s midday sun.

“Ah!” He sighed. “Trees, trees and, oh look, more trees!”

Teal'c cocked his head to the side and looked at his friend and leader inquisitively. “O’Neill this is a dessert world, why to you proclaim to see tress?”

“Because it’s expected in fics set off-world, isn’t it?”

“I cannot argue with your logic.” Teal'c never could.

“That midday sun sure is hot!” Jack declared.

“How do you know it’s midday on this planet?” Jonas asked.

“Because I’m Jack O’Neill, I just know these things. It’s my job to know.”

“What’s my job?”

“To grin, eat many banana’s and give complete episode synopsis’ in response to simple questions.”

“But….isn’t that what I already do?” Jonas asked, grinning annoyingly.

“Yep. Shows you’re doing a good job!” Jonas grinned proudly- Jack said he was doing a good job! Oh Yay!

Just then, some weird aliens came up to them, pointing weapons at them. And God, we’ve never seen *that* in a fic before. Their skin was purple, with pink polka dots to boot.

“Hello!” Sam waved, as you do when freaky colored aliens point weapons at you. “I’m Samantha Carter. This is Jonas Quinn, he’s annoying, this is Teal’c, he doesn’t say much and this is our leader, Jack O’Neill, he’s just damn hot.”

Jack smirked. “I am?”

“Well, Sir, you did say how hot this planet was…..”

He looked crest-fallen. She may as well have kicked his puppy. If he had one. But he didn’t. That metaphor doesn’t really work. Damn.

“Silence!” One of the aliens bellowed. Because, let’s face it, if an alien’s gonna look scary, it just *has* to bellow. “My name is Fuckmeimanalien. You have come to our planet, Wowthisisn’tearth. State your purpose.” He demanded, arming his weapon.

Jack stepped forward. Always something you want to do with armed aliens. “Well, we want to rape all your women, kill all the men, and eat the kids on toast, whaddya say?”

Fuckmeimanalien studied the human carefully. “Well since you’re up front about it, I don’t see a problem!”

NoshitImanalientoo stepped forward, “Sir, perhaps they should join us in the feast?”

Seeming to ponder the proposal, Fuckmeimanalien nodded. “Yes, you should join us in the feast! Come, come! Let’s get pissed!”

Jack nodded and shook the hand-looking part of Fuckmeimanalien’s body. “Let’s!”

Stepping back, a little flustered, Fuckmeimanalien whispered to O’Neill “Do you realize that it was not my hand you just shook?”


They sat at the feast, enjoying a meal that looked suspiciously like McDonalds. But they weren’t going to say anything, just in case they offended the aliens. The wine (Hey, it looks like wine, it smells like wine and it tastes like wine, what more do you bloody want? A duck’s a duck ain’t it?) was flowing freely and Sam was well on her way to being inebriated

Imnothuman, leader of Wowthisisn’tearth, was sitting at a table (It looked like a table and it smelt… get the idea!). with SG-1, paying particular attention to Sam’s cleavage. Oh, did we mention that the natives had dressed her up in an incredibly revealing get up like the one from the first season? Blue and bright and um... revealing... like that, but *more.* Well, they did. Get over it.

“Samantha, I must say what nice mammary glands you have…..’Tis a shame you are wed to another, for I would have you for myself!” Imnothuman declared.

Sam fluttered her eyelashes at him….hey! This is a freakin’ parody, not canon. If I think Sam should do some flutterin’ then she gonna do some flutterin’! Don’t look at me like that……*Anyway* She was fluttering her eyelashes sexily, like she was taught at the Academy. She was! Right after “How to jump your CO good and proper 101.” Stop laughing and just read! “Well, ishta a good fing I ain’t hitched, sho you can have me!” She cried, flinging her arms around his neck. Read: she was being a bloody hussy.

Imnothuman, who was a HUGE Alice In Wonderland fan, cried out in dismay. “She is not wed! Off with her head!” Yeah, yeah, he’s a poet and he didn’t know it. Cliché!

“You want head?” Sam asked, confused because of the alcohol clouding her system.

Jack, who was busy with an alien princess, Connectthedots, looked up upon hearing this. “Hey! Who are you giving head to?” He asked with a predatory gleam in his eye.

Sam, who was now being restrained by guards, shrugged, “I dunno sir, but he wants head.” She nodded to Imnothuman who was deep in conversation with Fuckmeimanalien.

“Her death will be at dawn!” He announced. “She is unwed, travelling the stars and must be punished!”

“Off with her head!” The crown chorused.

“Wait!” Jonas cried in dismay. “Isn’t there anyway we can save her?”

“She must wed with one of you. And since Teal’c is married, and you’re socially screwing Lt Rush, that only leaves O’Neill…..” Imnothuman replied.

“Hey, how do you know that?” Jonas asked, amazed that this man had discovered his secret.

“It’s in the script you daft idiot!”

“There’s a script?” Jack asked, momentarily forgetting Sam who was being man-handled by the guards.

Imnothuman looked shocked. “You mean to tell me that you have been ad-libbing?”


Imnothuman motioned to Fuckmeimanalien who pulled out a thick stack of paper and handed it to O’Neill. “We are on page six, paragraph four, line two.”

O’Neill found the page and quickly scanned the words until he found his cue. “It says here that I am supposed to say, with compassion in my eyes, ‘Please, don’t hurt her! I shall wed her to save the life of my co-worker and friend, whom I secretly love’.” He looked at everyone expectantly. “How was that?”

Imnothuman rolled his eyes but nodded none the less.

“Sir!” Carter whispered urgently.


“What’s my cue?”

“Oh! Erm….”Jack scanned the page again before reading to her. “You’re supposed to say: ‘Please, let us marry to save my life!’ And it’s supposed to be said with tears in your eyes…..”

She scratched her head, despite the guards binding her. “But I can’t just cry on cue…..”

Jack walked over and kicked her in the shin. “Now you can!” He grinned proudly, channeling Jonas’ grinning powers.

Sam, with tears in her eyes, nodded. “Please! Let us marry to save my life!”

Imnothuman, who was rather compassionate for a non-human, nodded. “You shall marry immediately.”

The crowd, who were disappointed that they wouldn’t get to see anyone decapitated today, agreed that a wedding was just as good as a death. And hey, they basically meant the same thing anyway.


With the wedding being planned by several natives, Sam was kept in a room far from Jack, ‘Cause it was bad luck to see the bride before the necessary union to save her life. Oh, that not the tradition? Work with me here people!

Their marriage was scheduled to be held in Notinkansasnow Square, with all of the people of Wowthisisn’tearth watching. It’d be the biggest event since Tom and Nicole split!

A native servant girl entered the room. “Miss, I’m Jane. I’ve been sent to help you dress for the wedding.”

“Jane?” Sam repeated, looking up from the article on Orgasms that she was reading in Cosmo. “That’s an odd name.”

Jane nodded sadly, her eyes downcast. “My parents didn’t like me very much.”

“Apparently.” Sam agreed. She cleared her throat when silence descended in the room. Then, she asked the most important question in the world. “So…..what am I wearing?”


The whole planet had assembled in NotinKansasnow Square to witness their joining, except for one pissy little alien named Toocoolforschool, who was smoking behind the church. But no one cared about him anyway.

Jack watched as his bride-to-be walked down the aisle. She was beautiful, an ethereal vision of loveliness and all that other mushy crap. He almost forgot to breathe. Really. But someone in the crown held up a “Breathe” cue card, so Jack was okay in the end. Crisis averted there!

Sam reached the alter and she and Jack turned to look at their priest. A beautiful woman, with lovely brown hair and honey blonde streaks. Her green eyes shined as she concentrated on filing her perfectly manicured nails…..oh, Mary Sue alert! Anyways, let’s just call this priest……how about KylieAKAVenom? Yeah, that works.

As I was saying, KylieAKAVenom looked up from her nails to see the whole town staring at her. “Oh, my line already?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jack coughed discreetly. “I think you’re supposed to marry us now.”

“Really?” She asked, shocked. “I thought Sam was supposed to die?”

Sam grinned impishly. “Someone updated the script.”

“I’m not getting’ all my damn memo’s.” She muttered annoyed. But she still looked good, cause she is KylieAKAVenom, and she always looks good. Seriously.

“I agree!” Jack bounced.

“Can we get on with this?” Imnothuman asked impatiently.

KylieAKAVenom fluttered her eyelashes at him and he fainted. “Whoops….” She grinned, her teeth sparkling and doing that shiny thing that they do in Colgate ads where they gleam. “Anyway, Dearly beloved, blah, blah, blah we’re here today to marry….” She looked at the two people in front of her expectantly.



“Boring names,” She muttered. “Yeah, we’re here to marry them. So, you guys can, like, make out for a sec, and we’ll call it a day!” She grinned again and several more people fainted, while an ambulance was called for Fuckmeimanalien.

Sam and Jack made out for a sec, getting lost in the explosive kiss that moved the earth, shattered their foundations and generally made them horny.

And they were married!

The people of Wowthisisn’tearth cheered, a million shippers SQUEE’d, a hundred NoRomo’s fainted and a few slashers committed suicide.

And they all lived happily ever after.

As you do.



ETA: For heidi: Isn't it conveniently that the Aliens *always* speak English. I don't give a damn if they originally came from Earth or not. A few thousand years later and their vocabulary is exactly the same as ours? i don't think so.