Untalented Defective
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Title: Untalented Defective
Author: Venom_69
Summary: It’s a Parody. That’s all I’m saying.
Dedication: As always, for LEW. [info]woodface for her inspiration and to [info]lisayaeger and [info]jo_siris who challenged me to do this. And then bribed me to do this.

Where's my damn Ice cream, ladies?


Sam pulled him to her and kissed along his jaw line…..

He was so wonderful. A brilliant defective, good credentials. He was a friend of her brother’s, so she was reasonably certain that he wasn’t a Gould. Or worse, a Ghold. That would be bad.

Her mind drifted over their night as she worked her was slowly across his face, showering him with kisses. They had literally danced the night away, and she had felt his hardness against her lower belly as they moved together to the rhythmic beats of the music.

Yeah, lion dancing sure was fun.

Sam’s eyes flicked to the clock on her living room wall and she noted with interest that she’d been kissing a slow line along his jaw for an hour. Wow, his jaw was bigger than she thought. Did she have a map handy? This could take a while. An hour later and still not across one side, that had to be some kind of record.

Pete pushed her back from her slow trek across his monstrous jaw to suck at her neck. Suddenly reminded of things she had to get done, Sam started to go over her shopping list.

“Bananas…..cucumbers…..carrots…..extra large packet of DD batteries.”

“What?” He asked, pulling back to look at her.

“Erm….oh yes baby, more?” She offered.

Pete nodded. No, he grinned.

He’d been taking lessons from Jonas in that area.


There were cracks in her ceiling, she really should get them fixed. She stared harder at the places where the paint was peeling, remembering to breathe heavy every now and then so Pete wasn’t upset. And hey, she was getting some ass for a change, so she really couldn’t complain about him being smaller than a pencil and having about as much talent.

“God you feel so good.” He groaned and Sam grimaced. Porn dialogue. How inventive.

Sam couldn’t help but imagine how much better it would be if there were someone else thrusting into her as opposed to the untalented defective. Hmm….who else could she imagine?

Harrison Ford? No.

Kurt Russell? Nice, but too smarmy.

Rishard Dean Anderson? Perfect, but way out of her league.


“Jack!” Just because she had only called him jack three times in the whole series, didn’t mean that it wouldn’t slip out of her mouth at an inappropriate time. Yes, I truly believe that.

Pete stopped moving. “Jack?” He asked, hurt that she would even be thinking about another man as he gave her the best sex of her life. And of course it would be good. Why would his brother have put him on the show if he wasn’t good?

“….of all trades. You’re a Jack of all trades.” She smiled sweetly and he came on the spot.

How Disappointing.


Sam walked into the briefing room. There was an official thing on today, so they were all in their dress Uniform’s. What? I need them in their uniforms, okay?

“Sir, you're looking good today. Blue suits you.” She was a little sad that it hadn’t worked out with Pete, but Jack looking good was certainly helping her mend her broken heart.

“Why thank you, Carter. And might I say that blue makes you look sexy” Jack grinned, looking her up and down and getting an instant 12-inch hard-on. You expected that, right? C’mon, how could you not see *that* coming? Hmm….double meaning there. Anyway…..

Carter, being the blatantly obvious person that she was, looked at his impressive groin with lust in her eyes. “So I see, Sir.”

Jack stalked over to her, pulling her to him. “I need you right now”

Sam could feel the desire sweeping through her, and knew she couldn’t fight it. “Please, sir. Take me!”

Jack pushed Sam down on the briefing room table and tore her dress skirt off not caring if they can't be put back on again, or that it was an expensive outfit.

“Yes, Jack! Take me now! She moaned as she started kissing him. Jack growled and tore his own clothes off before taking her right there and then.

Just because he was that good, Carter squealed and came. Jack then squealed and joins Sam in heaven.

Hammond then walked in and stares at the nakedness before him. Sam screamed and pulled Jack closer to her, hoping to hide her naked from the General while Jack looked horrified.

Hammond merely smiled happily, glad that they finally did it, someone had to try out the briefing room table after all. “As you were.” He left, whistling and decides to call the white house to get his money back.

The President always won these kinds of bets.